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Dr. M.s. MalaszczykHumor Times |
How we learned to stop worrying and blame the Pacific Ocean’s most unruly foreign agitator, El Niño, for global warming. Donald Trump held a...
A bureaucratic autopsy of the Great Diesel Exodus, the traditional school bus, feral youth metallurgists, and the vanishing art of shouting down the...
Because nothing screams “national security readiness” quite like Pentagon turmoil caused by turning the Department of Defense into an exclusive...
Iran says the U.S. must meet certain demands to end the Hormuz hostage crisis. Because when international mediators ask you to draw up terms for...
Tired of winning? Why settle for actual, tangible financial security when you can have the ‘greatest nation on earth’ vibe? Donald J. Trump...
Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love affordable foreign ground beef to save the midterms. There is nothing quite like the cold, hard awakening...
In the ultimate globalist fever dream, nations are moving toward linking member digital currencies. Or, why your bank account is becoming a...
Nothing screams “viable executive leadership” quite like weeping into a compressible block of shredded polyurethane (like Lindell’s fake goose...
Nothing says ‘civil disorder’ quite like a $14 million waterproof lining peeling off the Reflecting Pool like a sunburnt tourist’s...
From Hillbilly Elegy to Hillbilly Edge-Lord: Why America’s second-in-command decided that the Vice Presidency was boring, but calling journalists...
Because nothing says ‘populist champion of the common working man’ quite like a latency-free firehose of executive brainwave activity and...
A masterclass in macroeconomic gaslighting from Washington D.C., where gross domestic product sluggishness is merely a state of mind. It is a truth...
Wherein America’s chief epidemiologist discovers that managing a global pandemic is vastly inferior to his own bobbleheads and avoiding accidental...
The bureaucratic art of the infinite lunch: How to use a federal grant to feed 400,000 nonexistent children without ever turning on a deep fryer....
In a Pentagon memo that definitely wasn’t meant for external eyes, defense officials reveal that national security is currently being managed by...
Because nothing screams ‘small government efficiency’ quite like a 162-page government manifesto whining that a history museum didn’t spend...
In a stunning move of diplomatic grace, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announces that the best way to prove you’re the “good guys” is to set...
Media critics have long pointed to the “hyperbolic feedback loops” embedded in modern cable news. It used to be that the greatest risk associated...
In which our heroes in Washington bravely combat the existential threat posed by a new Red Scare: artisanal sourdough, public libraries, and people...
Or: How to turn a 10 billion dollar “I’m mad” lawsuit into a scathing judicial scolding in five easy steps. In the grand tradition of American...
How Florida’s most elegant former First Daughter is rebranding the First Amendment, one gig at a time. The midday sun over Surfside, Florida does...
Because nothing says “environmental stewardship” like a casino and a golf course on a former Soviet-era chemical weapons testing site like Sazan...
When the revolution meets its own reflection: A chilling encounter with the ghost of George Orwell, where the champagne is expensive, the private...
A Comprehensive guide to navigating ideological purity, delete buttons and the inevitable mid-campaign digital lobotomy. The modern American primary...
How JD Vance’s obsession with high-tensile textile architecture plunged the Middle East back into chaos. The Swiss Alps are known for their calming,...
Tremor in the Timber: How a 30-year career of a Maine moderate collapsed against a kettlebell-swinging, oyster-shucking maniac. The alarm at the...
As federal crackdowns loom and financial mysteries multiply, America’s most controversial tightrope walker, Ilhan Omar, is running out of wire. In...
The Pentagon’s newest strategist: A man who once treated the halls of Congress like a theme park is handed the keys to the kingdom — and decides...
An autopsy and investigation into how a $1.4 billion political machine suffocated on its own spreadsheets, drowned in Silicon Valley cash, and managed...
The MAGA Dialectic Miracle WASHINGTON — The following “Midnight Dialectic” transcript and memo were obtained via a encrypted Signal drop from a...
A working-class guide to achieving six-figure financial freedom by disobeying the law and using the Anti-Weaponization Fund. The Department of...
A suburban spy thriller featuring WeChat directives, propaganda, Eileen Wang and the ultimate political thirst trap. The curious case of Eileen Wang...
As the 47th President swaps the Constitution for Caligula, a 22-foot golden Don Colossus idol rises in Florida. The humidity in Doral, Florida,...
RFK Jr. held a glass of the glyphosate cocktail, staring into it as if it contained the secrets of the universe. The East Room of the White House had...
A Satirical Deep Dive into the Constitutional “Oopsie” of Annexing the Judiciary Hakeem Jeffries, a man whose composure usually suggests he’s...
The curious case of Julia Varvaro. Counterterrorism analyst Julia Varvaro traded a top-secret clearance for a top-tier stipend, proving that while she...
Why deal with the messy intricacies of the 22nd Amendment when you can simply secure a “Golden Passport”? The Sands of Conflict and the Gold of...
Executive Order 14122, Creation of a Sanctuary: from Mar-a-Lago to Saint Donald’s of the Deep State. The West Wing was unusually quiet on Tuesday...
How one man discovered the hard way that the First Amendment isn’t a “vibe check” and the Pentagon isn’t a Buffalo Wild Wings. The marble...
The now-infamous “Easter Rant” on Easter Sunday will surely be studied by confused historians for centuries. The art of the deal has always been...
The president is looking to acquire Cuba, but not for the reasons most think. The gold-leafed curtains of the Oval Office parted just enough for the...
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