I KNOW IT’S not how we usually do things around here, but just this once, let’s start with a prayer.

Thank God England didn’t win that football match. Thank God they’re not going to win the World Cup. Thank God we’re safe for another four years. And sorry, just to be clear, in this prayer, God is 5ft 7in, 39 years old and Argentinian. 

Saved on the football front, at least. Unfortunately, even when they lose, we still have to hear from their pundit class (and I don’t mean Gary Neville or Micah Richards). In the aftermath of Argentina’s win, one of Margaret Thatcher’s old aides Nile Gardiner called for every Argentinian player playing in England to be stripped of their work visa for celebrating with a banner which read ‘Las Malvinas son Argentinas’ — referring to the disputed Falklands territory.

The Telegraph, for whom Gardiner writes a column, even wrote an article totting up every single foul Argentina committed over the course of the game, for a one-two punch of some of the most painful sore loserdom you’re likely to see.

In order to sympathise with England, therefore, you’d need an overabundance of empathy. Frankly, you’d need to personally be in possession of all the commiseration in the land. You would need, shall we say, a monopoly on compassion? 

If you’re the type to regularly watch Dáil debates, and let’s face it, if you read this column, then you probably are, then you’ll be well aware that the phrase ‘monopoly on compassion’ or some variation of it makes regular appearances in the backs-and-forths between Taoiseach Micheál Martin and the opposition benches. 

It’s a........

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