The Science of Mating

Take our Are You a Good First Date?

Find a therapist near me

Due to a few common worries and concerns, people can feel anxious about asking for a deeper commitment.

Those concerns can cause them to give up before even trying to discuss commitment with a partner.

Discussing commitment indirectly, however, can help ease anxious feelings and make the conversation easier.

As I wrote previously, dating and relationship conversations can feel embarrassing and anxiety-provoking. Those feelings arise because we want something from a romantic partner, but we don’t want to make things awkward by asking them for it. To solve this dilemma, Kunkel, Wilson, Olufowote, and Robson (2003) studied the concerns that made individuals uncomfortable asking a partner for something (face threats), as well as the strategies they used to discuss things more comfortably (face-saving strategies). Following their findings, in this post, we’ll explore the concerns that might hold you back from intensifying your romantic commitment with a partner (i.e., discussing exclusivity, monogamy, or marriage)—and the indirect strategies you can use to discuss the topic with less risk and awkwardness instead.

Concerns When Discussing Commitment

To begin, we need to understand what concerns prevent us from discussing commitment with a partner. Kunkel and associates (2003) noted six main questions that individuals consider before asking a partner to make a greater commitment to them:

Why do I want to make this relationship more committed and “official” right now?

Are they unable to commit to me (or to anyone) for some reason?

Do I have the right to ask for more commitment from them?

Why do I need to be the one to ask for a commitment (will it happen anyway)?

Do they seem like they are willing to make a commitment?

Do I really want to commit to them (and........

© Psychology Today