How Can I Manage My Anger?

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Anxiety, fear, embarrassment, and self-doubt are hard to talk about for most kids.

The goal for parents is not just to stop the outbursts.

As the pressure drops, the explosions usually do too.

When parents reach out to me for help with their children, teens, and even grown children, it is often about anger. They bring up yelling, arguing, slamming doors, rigid refusals, and even punching holes in walls. The common thread is that most of these angry episodes seem disproportionate to the situations to which they correspond.

Billy, age 11, just this week had a longer-than-expected time to complete the homework assignment, which turned into a meltdown. Gabby, age 9, recently flipped out in a shouting match after hearing the word "no." A small mistake led 16-year-old Carter into rage.

The examples from my counseling practice and the other names later in this post are made-up. But their representative behaviors are as true as the day is long. Parents often ask the same question: Why does my child turn on a dime, going from calm to furious so quickly?

When "What If" Thinking Ignites the Flames of Anger

Over the past 30 years of working with children and teens, I have noticed that the ones who look angriest are the ones whose minds won't shut down. In plain English, they have very intense personalities. Even if they don't talk about it, their brains are constantly scanning for the next thing to go wrong. Below the surface, they have thought spirals consisting of, "What if I screw up in baseball?"; What if the teacher calls on me and I don't know the answer?"; "What if my friends are just being nice, but they don't really like me?"; or "What if something bad happens to my mom or dad?"

Pressurized What-Ifs Boil Over as Anger

My parents got me a book in 1983 entitled Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion by Carol Tavris. This book's title says it all: 46 years later, most people still see anger the wrong way. It is surface emotion that has other emotions—most often anxiety—lurking underneath it. What I am saying here is that anger is one of the easiest emotions to show, especially for kids who feel overwhelmed but can't explain what is going on inside.

Anxiety, fear, embarrassment, and self-doubt may be hard to talk about for most kids. Anger feels stronger, more protective, and sometimes even like more of a way to get back a sense of certainty and control.

Parents Often Only See Anger as the Tip of the Iceberg

Ryan, 12, looks defiant when his parents ask him to do his homework. Yet underneath, he is spinning out on "what if highway." He is thinking, "What if I can't do this?" and "What if the next unit is even harder?" Piper, 14, yells at her mother, who asks her to help put the dishes in the sink. But inside, she is consumed with worry, "What if all these kids at this new school think I'm weird?" Luke, 15, storms out of the room when his mom corrects him on the name of a relative. But in the privacy of his mind, he thinks, "What if she thinks I always mess everything up?"

What is occurring in all these examples? It is those kids who feel like they are always on edge—driven by "what ifs"—who can't stay calm for long, because even something small can light the match that sets them off.

Helping Kids Cool the Fire Instead of Lighting It

The goal for parents is not just to stop the outbursts. Rather, it is to coach their kids to step back from the mental pressures that make them stressed out in the first place. In my book, Fearing Your Child From Overthinking, I explain that parents play a huge, influential role as mindset mentors, helping their children, teens, and even grown children learn that not every "what if" needs an answer. As I have seen this play out in my parent coaching practice, it helps calm kids' minds. And as the pressure drops, the explosions usually do too.

How Can I Manage My Anger?

Take our Anger Management Test

Find a therapist to heal from anger

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