The Challenges of Divorce

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Overthinking builds a case for contempt, not a conversation.

The need for certainty due to overthinking replaces curiosity and partner directed open-mindedness.

Awareness of your thought loops and challenging them can save intimate relationships from drifting apart.

When people think about divorce, they picture big events like affairs, constant fighting, or growing apart. But what I see in my office is something much quieter—and far more dangerous. It is a thought pattern that takes hold long before couples realize anything truly threatening is wrong.

Small Fault Lines Led to Kevin and Laura's Big Split-Up

Kevin and Ebony (names changed) were not an explosive couple. There was no yelling and no dramatic blow-ups. But Ebony started noticing small things. Kevin was now increasingly scrolling on his phone when Ebony was speaking to him. He seemed internally preoccupied, and he forgot some of their plans.

Most distressing was that Ebony felt Kevin was missing cues when she was feeling overwhelmed. As she told her friend, Frieda, "It's like the dude is just straight up oblivious." By the time they came in, Ebony was not just hurt; she was dismissive. Kevin felt it, even if he could not name it.

After feeling disappointment, Ebony's thoughts became consuming to her, "If her cared, he'd notice." I shouldn't have to spell this out for him." Why can't he pick up that I am upset?" Of course, Ebony did not say most of this out loud. She just mulled it over—and over and over, and got caught up in overthinking. And, intense overthinking breeds contempt.

According to John Gottman, contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. But contempt isn't just eye rolling or sarcasm. It is deeper. Contempt is a quiet sense of "I'm better than you." It's feelings of intense disrespect and disgust. Contempt is seeing your partner's behavior as a character flaw. In short, contempt is moving from "This is frustrating" to "There is something really wrong with you!"

Overthinking Quietly Reshapes Relationships

Contempt doesn't suddenly appear—it is constructed. Thought loop by thought loop. I discuss further how toxic thoughts destroy relationships in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?

In the case of Kevin and Ebony, there was no huge showdown. Kevin no doubt had his annoying flaws, but he was deeply committed to their relationship. Yet the troublesome story of their relationship lived in Ebony's mind. It kept spinning, hardening her negative feelings toward Kevin.

Ebony fell prey to overthinking loops. Through her eyes, we can see that overthinking is not just an internal habit; it is a relationship risk. Ebony's thoughts about Kevin were, in part, triggered by themes from her childhood. She described her parents as "all about themselves and dense when it came to emotions." When it came to Kevin, Ebony's thoughts had eventually shifted from momentary reactions to contemptuous conclusions.

Overthinking Prevention Needs to Start Early

In my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, I emphasize helping kids to recognize when their minds are spinning stories that they feel are true but are inaccurate. If children grow up believing that their thoughts are facts, they are more likely to carry those patterns into adult relationships.

The Challenges of Divorce

Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

Find a therapist to heal from a divorce

For example, a child who learns to think, "They should know what I need," can grow into an adult who feels chronically disappointed in their partner and thinks, "You are just not a trustworthy person". A child who gets mired in "This must be who they really are" may later struggle to stay curious and open-minded about their partner. The seeds of contempt driven by overthinking are planted long before many people even get into intimate relationships.

The Good News Is That Overthinking Can Be Overturned

If partners work to interrupt their overthinking, they can reduce the likelihood of falling into contemptuous thoughts about one another. You can catch the thought before it becomes a verdict. So, instead of "Why are they always like this?" try saying "What might I not be seeing here from their point of view?"

The bottom line is that relationships rarely fall apart from one big moment. They erode through small, repeated, unchallenged thoughts that slowly change how we see each other. This feeds into why couples get divorced: they stop being open-minded and curious about one another. They fall into contempt for each other, and that's where the real drifting apart begins.

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