It is more or less normal to be confused about oneself, in various ways, at various times, under a range of circumstances. Self-confusion is a part of development, because as we change and grow, we surprise ourselves¹, and this creates an impetus to try to understand ourselves better in the world. As Herminia Ibarra observes in a now-classic article, "The Paradox of Authenticity"², that appeared in the Harvard Business Review, we are likely to feel inauthentic when trying out new behavior. Authenticity researchers Kernis and Goldman (2006) cite four factors³ of authenticity, and, in the process of change, they may clash with one another, or synergize—depending on how we approach self-confusion.

The Four Factors of Authenticity⁴

The experience itself can range emotionally from pleasant, to neutral, to negative. And by definition, it can be complicated and hard to make sense of, especially in the moment when emotions are heightened.

Here's what makes self-confusion particularly challenging: It takes reflective, critical thinking offline, especially when associated with strong emotions. When we're unclear about our values, motivations, or reasons for making important decisions, the discomfort can feel urgent—like something that needs immediate resolution.

This is when internalized self-criticism⁵ can rush in, providing a level of dysfunctional, yet seductive, certainty. The confusion itself can be reflective of being in a double-bind with oneself, an impossible situation in which we are trying to do mutually exclusive things at the same time—wanting to make something work out while also wanting to cut it off (for example, a troubled intimate relationship, a conflicted major life decision about career).

On the flipside, self-confusion can be an opportunity to learn, but it happens best (if at all) in the context of cultivating a calm, compassionate........

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