The imminent Birmingham jamboree will be my fifth Conservative Party Conference. I have yet to know a dull one. In 2022, everything was on fire; in 2023, I almost died of an overdose of paracetamol as the party marched towards the guns; in 2024, everyone was demob happy at being out of government, ahead in the polls and in the middle of a leadership election; in 2025, a miserable ghost town was transformed by the second coming of Kemi Badenoch. I have seen all there is to see. I am a veteran, an expert, a sensei. For those traipsing up to the Midlands, here are my tips for how to survive. In the spirit of our Political Editor, I have discovered the listicle.

My Birmingham pub is The Wellington – suitably Tory

My Birmingham pub is The Wellington – suitably Tory

In The Case for Conservatism, Quintin Hogg made the point that one of the defining quality of a Tory that sets them apart from the socialists is that politics is only the fourth or fifth most important thing in their life. He was writing in the late 1940s, when the party had two million members. Today, if you are a Tory member, you are sufficiently rare that the party refuses to publish the figures of your compatriots out of shame. By being committed enough to give up four days of your life to partayyy in Birmingham, you are proving yourself a crank, a loonie, a rando, a weirdo. You have so many better things you could be doing with your life. Understand that when an ex-MP is sick on your shoes at 3 AM.

2) Remember that this is not for you

But you’re still going. Because you’re a politics nerd, and it’s fun, and your fellow nerds are there. This is your chance to spend time among your tribe, pay homage to your idols, to rub shoulders with cabinet ministers, famous hacks, and knowledgeable wonks. But know that they are not there for you. Political conferences are supposed to be the moment when parties remember they are national forces serving their members. But the days when the party cared much beyond squeezing the members for cash until the pips squeak are long gone. Conferences are an excuse for people from SW1 who drink together most evenings anyway to go up to a different city for a few days and drink there, but this time on expenses. For the civilians, it’s a Potemkin exercise.

3) Don’t listen to the speeches

How to fill your days while use beautiful people are in the Hyatt? Back when giants ruled the Earth, and you had Boris Johnson, Theresa May, George Osborne and others using the conference stage to make their respective leadership pitches, speeches might have been........

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