“Anne of Green Gables” (1985)
An aging brother and sister on Prince Edward Island mail-order an orphan to help out on the farm, but are surprised when the orphan turns out to be a ginger. The child, Anne, embodies the best of chosen-family life and quickly becomes “bosom friends” with another puff-sleeve-coded girl, Diana. Anne and Diana each marry their high-school sweethearts and stay on the island but, after a cordial-wine incident, come to realize that they wouldn’t mind clutching a white handkerchief about each other’s pale necks. It takes a bit of convincing, but both couples move into a gabled farmhouse with three bedrooms.
“Clueless” (1995)
An aspiring matchmaker sets up two teachers at her Los Angeles high school and, when romance blossoms, decides to make it more interesting by adding a third. After a few weeks together, cracks begin to show between Ms. Geist, Mr. Hall, and Coach Stoeger. An epic dodgeball battle ensues, and, unfortunately, Mr. Hall is out. The meddling teen falls in love with her stepbrother, bucking a social norm that we’re still on the fence about.
“Troy” (2004)
After Paris falls in love with Helen, the wife of King Menelaus of Sparta, things almost come to blows, but everyone’s able to negotiate and agree that Helen can spend Tuesdays with Paris, and be with Theseus, Menelaus, Achilles, Deiphobus, and King Menelaus on the other nights of the week, but have Sundays to herself. It’s actually pretty nice to have some time apart and not feel completely beholden to a bunch of emotionally volatile men in ancient Sparta.
“Love Actually” (2003)
A put-upon wife discovers that her husband has been cheating on her with his secretary and giving her jewelry. A Prime Minister feels frisky in 10 Downing Street. A third wheel is in love with his friend’s bride. So much is happening that you’re not sure how the budget can be large enough for this many actors. Anyway, it’s Christmastime, and everyone’s feeling flirty. The spurned wife confronts her husband, and they realize that their marriage doesn’t need a sidepiece. The following year, the husband buys his wife some Pandora jewelry that she returns for a nice pair of pants from Sézane—this relationship is back on track. Meanwhile, the third wheel has been creeping on his mate’s wife. After she discovers a horrifying trove of videos featuring only her face, he confesses, via poster board, to wanting to be part of their love life, which complicates things immensely for the couple’s therapist, who now has to fit three people into the forty-five-minute slot for the same price. If this synopsis had you reeling, imagine how the screenwriter felt.
“Legends of the Fall” (1994)
On an isolated ranch in Montana, during the Second World War, a striking woman with untamed hair is brought to the homestead by her husband, the youngest brother of three. He dies in the war, and his widow is comforted by, and falls in love with, the middle brother, who is more than slightly feral—he fights a grizzly bear twice. He cannot be tamed and leaves his brother’s widow and his home behind. The widow is once again blowing in the wind, her hair flying all over the place. The pickings are nonexistent, so she weds the eldest, and most serious, of the brothers and moves to the city. Her heart and hair both still ache for the wild middle son and everyone agrees it would be best if she were to split her time between the haystack back at the ranch and her senator’s-wife life in Helena. Theoretically, this is so she can help care for the brothers’ ailing father. But it’s mostly because “deeply depressed wife” is a bad look for a flashy new senator.
“The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” (2003)
Four brave, herb-smoking hobbits go on an epic journey to throw an evil ring into a volcano. On the way, two drop out of the mission, but are waiting, ales in hand, for the others’ return. With the ring destroyed, and trauma sustained, the triumphant hobbit wakes in his bed. The dropouts join him, and his primary, looks on with a loving gaze. They all move into the most incredible, antique-filled burrow ever to exist in the Shire. No judgy hobbit can say anything, because they did save Middle-earth. Occasionally, a wizard drops by for an extended stay.
“Cast Away” (2000)
After the FedEx executive Chuck Noland crashes in the Pacific Ocean and washes ashore on a deserted island, the solo, poly businessman is very open to connecting with others. The character journey he goes on—one of extreme ketosis—teaches him that part of connection is putting yourself out there, on a beach, in an ocean, and making clear enough smoke signals to convey what you want.
“Point Break” (1991)
The rookie F.B.I. agent and former college quarterback Johnny Utah follows the crimes of a group of bank robbers known as the Ex-Presidents. Utah becomes convinced that they are surfers, and goes undercover in the local surfing community. He nearly drowns on his first trip out to the break, and falls in love with the woman who saves him, Tyler, who is a bit smitten but also loathes having to teach him everything. Can’t men figure this stuff out themselves? Bodhi, who runs the surfing gang and the Ex-Presidents, does not fall in love quite so easily, but a three-person romance begins to take shape. A game of flirtatious shark-and-surfer ensues, followed by a kidnapping, a robbery, a shoot-out, an armed parachute jump, and, eventually, a deep-cover trip to Australia. There, Utah reunites with Bodhi and struggles to reconcile his duty to the law with his love for Bodhi and Tyler. They all handcuff themselves to one another and ride that wave.
“Jules et Jim” (1962)
This one needs no revisions because the French are way ahead of Americans in both cinema and love. ♦
Films That Have Been Rewritten Now That Everyone Is Talking About Polyamory
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19.03.2024
“Anne of Green Gables” (1985)
An aging brother and sister on Prince Edward Island mail-order an orphan to help out on the farm, but are surprised when the orphan turns out to be a ginger. The child, Anne, embodies the best of chosen-family life and quickly becomes “bosom friends” with another puff-sleeve-coded girl, Diana. Anne and Diana each marry their high-school sweethearts and stay on the island but, after a cordial-wine incident, come to realize that they wouldn’t mind clutching a white handkerchief about each other’s pale necks. It takes a bit of convincing, but both couples move into a gabled farmhouse with three bedrooms.
“Clueless” (1995)
An aspiring matchmaker sets up two teachers at her Los Angeles high school and, when romance blossoms, decides to make it more interesting by adding a third. After a few weeks together, cracks begin to show between Ms. Geist, Mr. Hall, and Coach Stoeger. An epic dodgeball battle ensues, and, unfortunately, Mr. Hall is out. The meddling teen falls in love with her stepbrother, bucking a social norm that we’re still on the fence about.
“Troy” (2004)
After Paris falls in love with Helen, the wife of King Menelaus of Sparta, things almost come to blows, but everyone’s able to negotiate and agree that Helen can spend Tuesdays with Paris, and be with Theseus, Menelaus, Achilles, Deiphobus, and King Menelaus on the other nights of the week, but have Sundays to........
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