I’m a regular guy, just like you. I promise. There’s no one more normal than someone who publicly declares they’re normal. Here’s me, the average, everyday Joe, who can’t get enough of people beating the crap out of each other. I love a good scrape, a sloppy donnybrook, or a casual beating. This is what defines me as an American.

When I go to the cinema and large stretches of the film don’t involve actors smashing each other with baseball bats, I immediately start texting my friends about how boring Hamnet is. What’s all that clear liquid coming out of that man’s eyes? It’s not blood. Shouldn’t he be swearing revenge against his enemies right about now?

This is why I’m so thrilled that FBI director, Kash Patel, announced a landmark deal with the Ultimate Fighting Championship (or UFC, if you hate words) to train federal agents in the art of merciless violence.

“This is a tremendous opportunity for our FBI agents to learn and train with some of the greatest athletes on earth – helping the world’s premier law enforcement agency be even better prepared to protect the American people,” Patel said in an official statement.

Personally, I feel much safer knowing that the FBI can........

© The Guardian