Negative interactions in love relationships are especially hurtful when they feel like betrayal. A promise embedded in the formation of emotional bonds is that your loved one will care how you feel and never intentionally hurt you.

In my long clinical experience with clients suffering from chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, I’ve learned that hurtful exchanges between partners occur in six stages. Adrenaline increases with each, making de-escalation more difficult.

When people live together, they develop implicit judgments to explain their partner's undesirable behavior. Lacking the mitigation of compassion and tolerance, these become rigid lenses through which they view each other, even if they suppress the behavior that would typically follow negative tacit judgments like:

My partner is unreasonable, selfish, too sensitive, narcissistic, too emotional....

Negative judgments in relationships are almost always reciprocal. If you think your partner is selfish, your partner thinks something equally negative about you. Arguments degenerate into who’s worse.

You're controlling, selfish, irresponsible, critical...

You're defensive, stonewalling,........

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