Why Relationships Matter

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Relationship advice often seems contradictory because different goals require different strategies.

Applying the same relationship strategy across the board can lead to conflict.

The Relationship Compass helps you choose actions that align with your interpersonal goals.

If you've ever searched for relationship advice online, you've probably noticed that much of it is contradictory.

One expert tells you to be more vulnerable. Another reminds you to protect your boundaries. Some encourage forgiveness after conflict, while others warn against tolerating behavior that hurts you. You're told to ask for what you need but also not to expect anyone to meet your needs.

Which of these recommendations are correct? The frustrating answer is it depends.

Most of the common relationship advice is perfectly sound—in certain contexts. For example, one of my clients came to a session one day and proudly announced that she was "working on her boundaries." She excitedly told me how she'd said no when a friend was pressuring her to join an expensive girls' trip she couldn't really afford. Great boundary.

Then she told me she'd done the same thing when the man she'd recently started dating texted that afternoon to see if she wanted to grab dinner, explaining, "I can't reward last-minute plans." I knew she really liked this guy and wanted to get closer, so I asked her, “Do you actually mind that he texted the same day, or did you say no because you've decided that's what healthy people do?"

That's when I realized we often treat relationship advice as though it's universally applicable. In reality, the best strategy depends on the direction you're trying to go in any given relationship.

This realization became the idea behind the “The Relationship Compass,” a framework my colleagues and I developed as part of a new treatment for borderline personality disorder (BPD). Although it was designed for people who struggle with intense emotions and unstable relationships, I've found it to be helpful for almost anyone.

Rather than telling you exactly what to........

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