Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

If you grew up with parents who ignored problems or were violent, you learn to walk on eggshells as a child.

As adults, the result is that problems are never solved, and distance becomes the way to avoid conflict.

The key is learning to break the pattern by approaching your anxiety, and stepping outside your comfort zone.

Jake and Maria both admit that they never discuss problems. They have been living together for several years, and say they are open about other topics in their lives—like their day, weekend, or vacation plans, and spending money. But when it comes to irritations, annoyances, or real issues such as dealing with extended family, a hurtful comment, or chores like walking the dog, they fall silent; they sweep these problems under the proverbial rug.

For other couples, this way of handling problems eventually catches up with them, leading to out-of-control arguments about loading the dishwasher or someone acting out—affairs, drinking binges, shopping sprees—that always feel justified. But not Jake and Maria; their blow-ups never happen. They are not alone. Other couples do the same. What’s going on?

They are using distance to avoid confrontation.

When asked, they will both admit that their relationship has shifted from lovers to roommates. The initial oxytocin-fueled passion has understandably waned, but they have gone from 60 to zero. There is little affection, no sex for months. Conversations circle logistics—weekly schedules—or updates on the job, the dog. There are no earlier intimate conversations about goals, feelings, and visions of the future. Those feelings of warmth, occasional excitement, and the overall sense of connection have evaporated.

Over the long haul, such couples settle into parallel lives where each does what they do, where the emotional climate, if not exciting or fulfilling, is at least stable and not tense.

To their credit, both are recognizing this about themselves. But for other couples, their awareness is more limited. Instead, they continue with their usual patterns—going on autopilot when problems come up—sweeping issues under the rug and rationalizing that it’s not worth the effort to bring them up. They feel the anxiety but quickly shut it down through avoidance.

It might or might not affect other parts of their lives.

When asked, both Jake and Maria feel they can be assertive at work when they believe the schedule is unfair or when a colleague isn’t completing their share of the workload. They can also voice their frustrations with customer service at a store, for example, when a problem isn’t being resolved.

The difference is that at work, there is an expectation that they will speak up and are encouraged to do so; at the store, they don’t have a strong connection to the customer service person, so being assertive is easier. But in their relationships, the stakes seem higher, and the expectations are less clear. Again, for some, even speaking up at work or at the store is a challenge.

It is tied to old childhood wounds and childhood modeling.

The source is usually old childhood ways of coping with parents who were often in conflict, or parents who never did. Either way, the result was a learned response to avoid upsetting the parents further by saying little or by copying their style. The child-Jake and child-Maria learned to walk on eggshells and to sweep problems under the rug. Like many adult challenges, the task is upgrading the old childhood software to a better adult version. Here’s how to get started.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

The problem lies in the pattern—the avoidance of conflict—not in the latest issue that grabs their attention, like the dirty dishes in the sink or the kids’ toys on the floor. Marie and Jake can already do this, but couples who can't—who fixate on the dishes or toys—need to step back and see the bigger picture: What do you do when you're upset? What stops you from speaking up? Focus on how you generally solve problems or avoid them, rather than getting caught up in specific situations.

Approaching anxiety is the key.

The pattern is driven by anxiety—worrying about how others might react if you express your feelings—and this is where Maria and Jake both get stuck. It’s natural for your anxious brain to make you avoid, pull back, stay silent, and be cautious to prevent feeling anxious. However, your rational, adult brain is turned off; doing what your anxious brain urges may feel temporarily better, but it only reinforces those unhealthy brain circuits.

Instead, you need to rewire your brain by doing now what you couldn’t as a child—be assertive and recognize what you feel and need. Jake and Maria are fortunate to do this outside their relationship; their challenge is to apply it within their relationship. The antidote to anxiety is stepping outside one's comfort zone and taking that risk.

By doing so, they not only become more comfortable with simple feelings of anxiety, but also discover that what they imagine might happen often doesn’t. This shifts their view of themselves—more powerful than they usually feel—and their view of the world, realizing it is safer than they previously believed.

Take baby steps and run a business meeting.

They don’t need to undergo a one-week makeover or expect to react differently when thinking on their feet. If they need a few days to decide how they feel or to gather the courage to speak up, that’s fine. If they are more comfortable sending an email or writing a note, that’s okay. The key is breaking the pattern by doing what they’re not used to, namely speaking up.

I usually recommend that such couples schedule a business meeting, approaching it as they would a staff meeting at work—have an agenda, adopt a professional mindset, focus on moving forward and solving a problem without becoming emotional, and keep it brief. If they do become emotional, they can pause, recenter, and then continue. The goal is to experience successful engagement in adult problem-solving conversations.

Intimate relationships are the most difficult because of their history and nature. But ultimately, it’s about developing your skills and managing your life so that it better reflects you and your needs. It’s about staying sensitive while still being assertive.

Taibbi, R. (2018) Boot camp therapy: Action-oriented approaches to anxiety, anger & depression. New York: Norton.

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today