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Entitlement is often based on a rigid system of rewards, wherein success should always come easily.

We become productive when we shift our focus from entitlement to gratitude, appreciating the gift of a talent.

Creating a way to feel good about ourselves and our work is largely our responsibility.

While everyone occasionally feels entitled, deserving of a privilege that’s unearned, perfectionists tend to believe whatever it is that makes them special, whether some developed talent or innate trait, is a gift for the rest of the world, meaning, like any other superstar, they’re owed for it. Since we live in a culture that overvalues fame, or talent more specifically, it’s easy for one to become full of themself, to feel entitled. Perfectionists, thus, tend to believe things are supposed to come easily to them, that their abilities are supposed to instantly produce spectacular (and perfect) work, and, in turn, that work should always be revered.

Of course, this means that if they can’t or it isn’t, they’re either mistaken about their abilities or others are ungrateful. This mindset, the feeling that others ought to be more appreciative or that things, generally, ought to be easy, signals doom. Arguably, it’s the main reason why perfectionists tend to remain stagnant. Essentially, they struggle with struggling, which raises the question: Do you prefer to be skilled or comfortable? Because if the former is just a means to the latter, then there are easier ways of cultivating security, ones that don’t involve significant emotional risk.

Entitlement means that others should be grateful for you, which we can safely assume is just an excuse to believe that the world should take care of you. But if you care about developing your talent, you have to, instead, care more about others than your needs, at least at times. And, most importantly, you have to feel like the grateful one. While everyone, ideally, should be grateful, we can control only our own reactions. So, we can focus on our own mindsets. To use an example from a close friend: Rather than believing she’s owed an audience because of the time she spends on writing, she shifts her focus to her writing ability. At bottom, she believes she was afforded the gift of writing, which allowed her to experience deep pleasure from the act of writing but also from its rewards, even feeling proud of merely making art. Others could have hated it, she could have not been noticed or have been too fearful to produce her work, or she could have just not possessed her skill. In some sense, she realized she’s the lucky one, much more so than her audience, on average. Therefore, she concluded that she should reward them for their provisions to her, even if only in the form of attention.

That sense of gratitude teaches one that they ought to give because they have a talent that others don’t and, thus, owe it to the world to use it. This is what famed psychiatrist Carl Jung meant when he remarked that our gifts weren’t for us but for others. But to feel grateful, one has to first believe in one's ability, or at least in its potential. My writer friend doesn’t consistently need reassurance of her ability, and when she does, she’s able to just ask for it. (Importantly, she also trusts compliments, especially from those whom she respects.) Each new piece isn’t met with severe dread, for which entitlement then becomes a veil. She doesn’t hold rigid views of success and, therefore, doesn’t believe that work should be produced easily nor that every piece is going to be met with acclaim. She allows her audience to dislike her work because, again, she’s grateful for her talent, thereby knowing that her next article or book may be a hit. (If anything, she gets upset for, at least in her mind, letting them down by not using it correctly, which just tends to mean not working hard enough.) She’s found a way to become selfless in her work, even if it’s just a mental trick meant to keep her going.

Entitlement is greedy, placing the self at the center. And entitlement is distorted, with several flawed beliefs supporting it. In addition to the ones already noted, that great work should be produced easily and always met with praise, entitlement places the responsibility onto others to continuously make the entitled one like themselves. The thinking goes, “Since I’m doing this for you and it’s so amazing, then you should always tell me how great I am.” It’s a perfect system, with the minor flaw of lacking any resemblance to reality.

Entitlement is rooted in fear and the fixation on status. Unfortunately, because success is based on much more than talent, including sociability and luck, the preoccupation with rewards becomes detrimental. So, one needs to instead feel good about themselves and their contributions by gazing upon their talent and their work. This doesn’t mean that you need to believe you’re a good writer, singer, or whatever else in a vacuum. The question isn’t one of feedback but of excessive feedback. Feeling good about yourself is going to, in large part, have to be your responsibility. You may ask yourself: How do I know I’m gifted? Do I need everyone to like my work for it to matter? Have I refused to set a bar for “good enough,” instead overly relying on others for self-esteem? Who is my gift for? Has it benefited others? Is my chronic entitlement just an excuse to not do the work, which scares me? Would I be proud of myself for taking the easy way? Am I asking too much of others?

Essentially, gratitude is for you. It improves your life and ability to work. It’s sort of like being happy for others. Yes, it may be true that some good thing didn’t happen to you. But would you, if you had to choose, rather be happy or sad for another, envious of or neutral regarding another? Personally, I’d rather be happy because then I’m happy. If anything, I want to continue to seek out reasons to feel joy. I prefer joy to the others, and will take it however I can get it.

What Is Perfectionism?

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