What Is Perfectionism?

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Perfectionists often rely solely on themselves, intensely fearing the revelation of their needs.

When others don't help in the exact way preferred, perfectionists often blame them for not caring.

Both perfectionists and non-perfectionists can develop tools to be more direct communicators.

Perfectionists tend to struggle with loneliness. At its core, perfectionism is the fixation on cultivating, curating, and maintaining both one’s public image and self-image. Self-absorption is a key feature. So, others are perceived through the lens of their relations to the perfectionist. One person may be the perfectionist’s boyfriend; another may be their friend. While that may be true on the surface, the perfectionist often fails to register the other’s needs and insecurities; they fail to be curious about the other’s inner world.

Understandably, directness is preferred—it isn’t unreasonable to expect others to mean what they say and say what they mean. However, if the perfectionist is honest, they’d admit they aren’t great at communicating. Generally, perfectionists struggle with revealing needs, admitting mistakes, backing down, and expressing their feelings (outside of anger). Convinced they’re the paragons of radical honesty—even though their revelations are significantly limited by the degree of personal risk involved—they tend to chastise others for poor and hurtful communication and even non-communication. While conceiving of themselves as superior communicators, they place the responsibility of improving communication onto others. They hardly ever blame themselves for breakdowns in it.

Thus, the loneliness. Psychologist Gill Straker astutely wrote, “Addiction is a way of not relying on a person.” Arguably, so is perfectionism, which isn’t far off from addictive tendencies. The perfectionist’s dynamic can be verbalized as such:

You begin with the fundamental need to appear perfect, as though it's associated with physical survival.

You fail to disclose a less fundamental need to someone important (e.g., for emotional support).

You articulate your struggles while also minimizing them, at least to some extent.

The significant other fails to respond with much curiosity or infer your need.

You retreat from the perceived rejection, attempting to bolster your self-image on your own by overworking or achieving.

The dynamic reinforces the belief, “I can only rely on myself.” Shelving terms like "blame" and "excuse," we may ask about what there is to learn. If the perfectionist attempts to understand the other’s thinking, they may discover the other individual believed they were helping by listening. They may also learn that the other experiences their own internal pressures, largely to fix. So, their lack of curiosity may stem from a deep need to avoid it; they may even be sure they already helped. If the perfectionist minimizes, that further reinforces the other’s belief that listening must have helped. Could the other have been more mindful of the perfectionist’s tendencies to minimize and deflect? Without a doubt. Could they have placed themselves in the perfectionist’s shoes, noticing the fear underlying the small doses of disclosure? Of course.

And the perfectionist could have been more direct. Black-and-white thinking may cause us to believe that others either care about us or they don’t. So, when a dialogue fails to follow a specific script, the perfectionist is certain the breakdown in communication is a harbinger of doom. Yet, it doesn’t have to be. In many cases, the other party is a perfectionist as well, hence the pressure to solve and fix, and the need for more control than is granted. So, it may be helpful to acknowledge one person’s need to be cared for and the other’s to be an adequate caregiver—internal pressure only occurs when someone cares about doing something, in this case, being useful to another. The demanding perfectionist may recall that, in a particular emotional state, only perfect caregiving counts, which, of course, is undefinable. Thus, they may inquire about the other’s attempts to aid them, acknowledging the good while redirecting them from the bad.

In turn, the other can develop a curiosity about their own failures. Why haven’t they asked the perfectionist if their tendency to minimize applies? Why were they willing to settle for just listening when the perfectionist likely needed more from them? Why didn’t they ask if they could do more? In the case of both individuals being perfectionists, it’s important to accept that reality as the foundation of the relationship, meaning you’ll sometimes have to look for the deeper meaning of an attempt. Your partner or friend may not have directly apologized, but quickly shifted the course of their behavior. They may not have asked you many questions, but they sat and listened to everything you had to say. They may have strongly wanted to help you, but were tied down by their maybe even visible insecurities.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, consider how often your need to be and appear perfect affects your communication. How many times did you fail to admit someone had hurt your feelings? How often did you have an irrational belief and failed to request help for it because you feared being mocked? How frequently do you reveal the actual scope of a problem? And, how often do you reject help altogether when offered, leaving others to wonder if they offend you when they do? If the message is “I got this,” it’s challenging for another to think otherwise of you. This means risking rejection, risking someone labeling you as needy. If you believe you picked the right partner, then it won’t be a worry. And, if you haven’t, then maybe it’s time to acknowledge your mistake.

What Is Perfectionism?

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