Nora sat by the window, watching the snow accumulate on top of the cars and neighborhood rooftops. December was always a difficult month for her, ever since the passing of her sister, three years ago. Without anyone to hold the family together, she had lost contact with the rest of her siblings, even though she longed to be a part of their lives.
She still fell back into that childhood mindset during the holidays. She became that little girl on Christmas morning, waiting to see if daddy would come home from yet another rampage, experiencing the same feelings of sadness and loss, as well as guilt for feeling this way so many years later, especially when so many seemed to have it worse.
"I feel like I have healed from all of that," she said during our last session, "but then I hear that holiday music, and I just fall back into those patterns. Is something wrong with me?"
Due to the stress and obligations of the holiday season, it is normal to feel a bit stressed or even overwhelmed during this time. For many, the excitement and good feelings about this time of year evoke a feeling of happiness, which is able to overshadow many of the stressors that accompany social obligations.
However, for some, the holiday season can be painful, especially for those who are coping with grief over the loss of a loved one, those who are struggling with family estrangement, or those who are feeling alone. Nora had a supportive partner and a solid group of friends, but still found the holiday season difficult.
Nora is not alone. The holiday season is very difficult for many of us. Even those who admit to enjoying the music, the lights, and the festive activities can still find sadness and pain in the small moments of solitude.
Here are some of the most common ways that the holiday season can feel triggering, as well as some ways to cope.
1. Guilt: "Holiday guilt" is very real and powerful. Due to the many pressures of the holidays, combined with today's minute-to-minute recap of everyone else's holiday gatherings on social media, we are inundated with how much better everyone else seems to be having it. This can lead to feelings of guilt over not being able to get off work to spend with your kids or not being able to afford the gifts they wanted, among others.
2. Obligations: This time of year is full of obligations: travel plans, meals to cook, who to invite, what gifts to buy, among endless others. This can be very stressful for anyone, but especially those who grew up in environments where they may have been unable to say no to things. If you never learned how to advocate for yourself, it is normal to struggle to figure out how to decline social invitations, or how to ask for help cooking the holiday meal if it is something you always did yourself.
3. Loneliness: The holiday season can feel especially lonely for people without family, especially those living in shelters or on the streets, or people who are away in hospitals or treatment facilities can all feel especially alone during this time of year.
4. Nostalgia: Due to the memories that it evokes, nostalgia can be difficult. It reminds us of a time when things were easier or simpler. Maybe before mom got sick or before dad left, when the family seemed happy. Similarly, nostalgia can be a painful reminder of what we did not get to experience, which is especially true for those who grew up in dysfunctional or chaotic households.
5. Sense of time passing: With the end of the year approaching, many are faced with the difficulty that comes with aging. A new year seems to be upon us faster than we thought, reminding us that time is precious- and that life is short.
6. Social pressure: Similar to the obligations present during this time of year, social festivities can be overwhelming: even the most extroverted among us may feel drained after the busy holiday season. For those who struggle with social gatherings, the pressures to attend social events or respond to invitations can feel stressful.
7. Feeling left out: We are constantly shown images of holiday gatherings, pictures on social media, and movies constantly depicting all of this togetherness. Those who are not fortunate enough to have people to spend holidays with can feel sad or resentful. For those who have a history of feeling left out, such as those who were rejected from their family for being different for example, the holidays can compound these difficult feelings.
8. Sense of loss: It can be difficult to experience the holiday season without those who have passed before us. Whether you are dealing with a recent loss, or struggle with residual grief from years before, all of this is valid. You are experiencing a normal reaction and it is nothing to feel ashamed about.
9. Financial stress: The pressures to buy gifts and the best foods for holiday gatherings can leave many feeling resentful of how much they had to spend. Those who are fortunate enough to have the money may get away with some buyer's remorse, while those who are struggling financially may put themselves in a position of being unable to afford bills or medical care due to holiday expenses.
10. Neglecting your health: It can be normal to neglect your health during the holidays. This is often due to an increase in sugary desserts and flowing alcohol at holiday parties, combined with the decrease in time to rest. Similarly, many people find that any food or substances they use to cope are increased during the holiday season.
First, validate and acknowledge it. It's okay to feel however you feel, and trying to ignore it or push it away will only make it worse.
Next, put down the phone. Staring at a picture of a smiling family around a Christmas tree stuffed with presents can make you feel even worse if you are stuck working an overnight shift. You won't miss anything by putting your phone away and avoiding social media, even if just for a few hours. Get up and walk around, refill your water bottle- something to distract you from the doom scrolling.
Finally, look forward to something else. This could be a small vacation for you and your partner planned in the spring when rates are easier to manage, or even a movie and popcorn night with the kids planned for your next night off. Focusing on something you do look forward to can make the difficult holiday feelings easier to manage.
Ultimately, take care of yourself this, and every, season. Drink plenty of water and eat healthy foods, even if you choose to indulge now and again! And make sure to have adequate rest for both your physical body, as well as your mind.
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