This new year, eldest daughters deserve an intentional change in their lives and can find it using the three Cs approach: call it, calibrate it, change it.

One of the hardest truths for eldest daughters to accept is that what they believe looks like generosity is often masking the need for control. When you’re the one who organizes the family vacation, calls the plumber for your parents, and coordinates every Mother’s Day gift, it’s easy to feel resentful that nobody else is stepping up to help. Often, the eldest daughter is the one who notices—and in noticing, begins to believe she’s responsible. Family researchers have long described this as intergenerational vigilance (Miller-Ott et al., 2017), a sense of watchfulness passed down through gendered expectations.

Daughters, especially firstborns, may learn to anticipate the emotional needs of others. The daughter who could once soothe her mother’s bad mood at age 10 grows up to be the woman who can’t rest until every group text is resolved. And while that can make her the family’s emotional backbone, it can also leave her brittle.

You know what I love about Taylor Swift’s song "Eldest Daughter" from The Life of a Showgirl album? She calls out the armor a daughter wears. She acknowledges that the eldests grow tough exteriors, may be gruff or seem cold. It’s an outcome that happens because you’re trying not to get hurt. You believe you need that shell. It can be hard for the eldest to tell (or show) others that they need love, want love, and believe their family will show up and give it to them. It’s a harsh reality of how the eldest daughter has come to view her role and perform family scripts.

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