There are many red flags to watch out for when embarking on a romantic relationship; lovebombing, jealousy, how they treat the waiting staff, all kinds of things. But here is another one to add to the list, someone asking what your “body count” is. For the unaware, “body count” here refers to the number of sexual partners you’ve had, rather than the number of people you have murdered, which, to be fair, I would also regard as a massive red flag.
I honestly have no idea why this information would be of any use to anyone, other than a doctor working in a sexual health clinic, but apparently, for some people, it is vital. And by “some people,” I mean men, and by men, I mean idiots. OK, that wasn’t fair, I know it’s “not all men.” And thank God there are many fellas out there, probably a fair few reading these very words, who are equally baffled as I am as to why anyone would pop this particular question, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t those out there who do, and it is a highly gendered issue.
Women have always been judged far more harshly than men have for having any kind of sex that wasn’t with their husband, in the missionary position, and for making babies. Sexual behaviour that was applauded for men, was simply appalling for women. Men were encouraged to sow their wild oats, whereas women were encouraged to sew their stockings and wait for Prince Charming.
Sadly, it is still the case that women are judged more than men when it comes to sex, but there has been considerable progress made in challenging this. “Slut shaming” and victim blaming are rightly being called out. The sex positivity movement has done a great deal to tackle issues of shame and stigma that often get tangled up with sex and gender. Women are even writing articles about the kind of the sex they want to be having in the national press (Ahem)! I have seen real changes in attitudes around women having sex in my lifetime. We all have. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have to be constantly on the lookout for old prejudices trying to worm their way back in, which is why the question around a woman’s body count bothers me so much.
And it definitely bothers a lot of other people too, but for entirely different reasons. Reddit is full of men asking if it is “ok” to ask their new partner how many people have been there before them. There are countless online articles out there offering advice on how to broach this difficult question. That might sound harmless enough, but the topic is a perennial favourite with men’s rights activists who get themselves into a right twist bragging about how many women they’ve had sex with, while simultaneously demonising women for having any sex at all.
Take the grand high wizard of willy whinging, Andrew Tate, who once said, “a body count is probably the number one most easiest way to judge the value of a female… I think 99 per cent of the world’s problems would be solved if females walked through life with their body count on their forehead because it would prevent disintegration of morals”.
On X (Twitter) he wrote: “I reject women who have slept with more than three men. Vile.” Complete hogwash, but you do have to wonder what happens after the number three to so repulse him? On behalf of all women who have slept with more than three men, I am happy to say “excellent”, and that we heartily urge the rest of you to up your number in order to protect yourselves from such utter, utter drivel.
I would love nothing more than to dismiss Tater-Tot and his acolytes as fringe extremists, but that’s simply not the case. According to one poll published last year, more young men in the UK have seen material from Tate than have heard of Rishi Sunak. One YouGov survey found that 26 per cent of men in the UK aged between 18 and 29 (who had heard of Tate) agreed with his opinions on women. His pervasive influence on school and university students is of growing concern to educators who are now putting steps in place to attempt to counter his misogynistic narrative. Given the reach of the “manosphere” and its teachings, perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised to see that the hashtag #bodycount has been viewed over a billion times on TikTok.
All of which brings me back to where I started this article. Why on earth does anyone need to know this information? What are you going to do with it? Send out Christmas cards? I fully accept that it is important to have a frank and honest conversation around sexual history when it comes to having unprotected sex, but even then, numbers don’t really come into it, do they? I can see knowing how many serious relationships a partner has had could be an important discussion, but not how many people they have kicked their heels up with. I mean, seriously. Who cares? How insecure do you have to be to even ask the question?
I would actually find it a little odd for someone to have that kind of information at their fingertips. When you’re a teenager, frantically worried no one will ever want to touch your swimsuit area, of course you will know exactly how many people you have kissed or canoodled so far. You would also know the exact stats if you have had one or two partners, but beyond that, who is keeping count? I am 42 and have been sexually active since I was 16. I honestly have no idea how many people I’ve had sexual contact with! Why on earth would I keep a running total? It’s like asking me how many times I’ve had pizza in my life. I don’t know. I’ve definitely had it on a number of occasions, I’ve usually enjoyed it, and once or twice I’ve had it had a party. I could give you names, but have I ever sat down with an abacus and totted them all up? Have I heck. What a strange thing to do.
The only reason I can see for asking someone how many partners they have had is to either judge them or somehow validate their own sexual prowess. There is no good reason for asking it, and that’s what really worries me. The narrative around body count is misogyny rebranded. It feeds into much older discourses around women and sexual shame. It is a hairbreadth from essentialist nonsense that claims men are more highly sexed than women, and that it is strange for a woman to enjoy sex. Or it is used to shame someone who hasn’t racked up a number that looks like a Wi-Fi code as being sexually inexperienced. See what I mean? No good can come from asking, so don’t.
Unless they have given you crabs, a lover’s sexual history is absolutely none of your business. I know I have focused on men asking women about their sexual history here, but I don’t think anyone should be asking this question of a partner. Whoever asks it, it smacks of immaturity and serious insecurity. It is a major red flag and not one to be ignored. The next time a new date or potential partner asks you what your body count is, simply explain that it is not a number that you will be adding to any time soon and walk away.
Don't ask me how many people I've slept with. I don't know
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16.01.2024
There are many red flags to watch out for when embarking on a romantic relationship; lovebombing, jealousy, how they treat the waiting staff, all kinds of things. But here is another one to add to the list, someone asking what your “body count” is. For the unaware, “body count” here refers to the number of sexual partners you’ve had, rather than the number of people you have murdered, which, to be fair, I would also regard as a massive red flag.
I honestly have no idea why this information would be of any use to anyone, other than a doctor working in a sexual health clinic, but apparently, for some people, it is vital. And by “some people,” I mean men, and by men, I mean idiots. OK, that wasn’t fair, I know it’s “not all men.” And thank God there are many fellas out there, probably a fair few reading these very words, who are equally baffled as I am as to why anyone would pop this particular question, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t those out there who do, and it is a highly gendered issue.
Women have always been judged far more harshly than men have for having any kind of sex that wasn’t with their husband, in the missionary position, and for making babies. Sexual behaviour that was applauded for men, was simply appalling for women. Men were encouraged to sow their wild oats, whereas women were encouraged to sew their stockings and wait for Prince Charming.
Sadly, it is still the case that women are judged more than men when it comes to sex, but there has been considerable progress made in challenging this. “Slut shaming” and victim blaming are rightly being called out. The sex positivity movement has done a great deal to tackle issues of shame and stigma that often........
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