Two little birds,
Sitting in a tree,
K-I-SS-I-N-G
First comes love,
Second comes marriage,
Third comes baby in a carriage!
IT is that time of the year.
The birds have their most colourful plumage on display and are singing their little hearts out looking for a mate to procreate with, the shops are festooned with red heart decorations encouraging us to buy chocolates and flowers (and, inexplicably, fluffy teddies?) for our loved ones, and amateur poets are crafting careful rhymes to express their love for their dear, or desired, Valentine.
The realm of love, an age-old enigma that has sparked poetry, inspired art, and left scientists somewhat scratching their heads.
But what does science tell us about falling in love and the art of staying married?
Chemistry
I met my husband a century ago before smartphones were a crucial part of courtship and algorithms nudged you towards true love.
But regardless of what decade, or century, in which you are lucky to fall in love, the effect on your brain and your body is pretty much the same.
If you’re a fan of the TV show First Dates Ireland you’ll see that the giddy effects of meeting someone you like and fancy are pretty much the same, whether you’re a 26-year-old gay farmer from Cork meeting a kindred spirit, or a 76-year-old widower from Carlow who has lived and loved a lifetime.
Brains looking for love light up in the same ways when they hit on a target that takes their fancy.
The euphoria of falling in love is thanks to a cocktail of hormones. If love were a recipe, it would be written in the language of neurochemistry, and the ingredients would include generous dashes of the feelgood chemicals oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine.
Oxytocin
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m flooded with Oxytocin,
When I’m with you
Oxytocin is released in the brain in response to various social cues, such as physical touch, eye contact, and positive interactions.
Often dubbed the ‘love hormone’ or ‘bonding hormone’, it plays a significant role in social bonding, trust, and emotional connections.
Oxytocin is an important part of life and love. You can buy necklaces with its molecular shape crafted in gold (a nice present idea for the nerdy Valentine in your life?!)
Oxytocin levels tend to rise when we engage in activities that promote closeness and connection, creating a sense of bonding and attachment,
While it’s a simplification to say that oxytocin directly makes us fall in love, its effects on our behaviour and emotions contribute to the complex tapestry of romantic and social relationships.
The psychological, emotional, and biological factors that lead to loving relationships are impossible to unpick, but there is probably some scientific truth when you hear a friend lament a dud first date “S/he was great on paper but unfortunately there was no chemistry.”
Staying Married
Finding someone to share your life with is high up on some people’s life goal priority list. If you are lucky to find someone who you want to marry, and who miraculously also wants to marry you, how do you keep the love when the initial chemical euphoria fizzles?
Researchers have identified common factors that contribute to long-lasting love, and surprisingly, none of them involve putting the toilet seat in the correct position or perfecting the art of sock-folding.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development has been running since 1938 and investigates what makes people thrive. Starting with 724 males, the study has tracked the trials, tribulations and triumphs of the men, their spouses and their 1300 descendants for more than 80 years.
The study has revealed a number of core truths about marriage. The main take-home message is that a positive, supportive, and emotionally fulfilling marriage is good for overall wellbeing.
Participants in positive marital relationships tended to experience better physical and mental health, and a higher overall quality of life.
So, a good marriage is good for you.
Secrets of success
The late U.S Supreme Court judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg said: “The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf.”
The Harvard study actually tells us good communication is the key to a happy marriage. Apparently, talking to your spouse is really really important. Silent treatments, moaning to your friends and mind-reading are not effective communication strategies.
Expressing your thoughts and feelings openly, clearly, and respectfully to your life partner is the way to go. Who’d have thunk!
Adaptability is another important quality. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, whether it is career transitions, health issues, or other life events.
Couples who can navigate change or crises as a team tend to have more resilient and enduring marriages.
Unsurprising, having shared goals and values also creates a solid foundation for a successful marriage, as does friendship and companionship and the simple act of enjoying each other’s company.
The Harvard researchers also identified that successful marriages manage to strike a balance between individual independence and shared experiences. Allowing each partner space for personal growth while maintaining a strong connection contributes to a healthy and lasting relationship.
Most of us appreciate that these things are important for a healthy marriage, but what is so interesting about the Harvard study is that nurturing romantic relationships and friendships and connections to other people is almost as important to our health and happiness as not smoking and exercising regularly.
Good relationships go hand in hand with good health. The participants who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.
So, this Valentine’s Day (psst, it’s tomorrow) take a moment to gaze into your partner’s eyes and appreciate the good luck and biochemical miracle that brought you together.
As Shakespeare said “A heaven on earth I have won by wooing thee.”
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