SEEING the good in situations is a great quality to have. It can help all of us stay away from situations that we don’t need to be involved in, and could help us veer towards being a glass half full kind of person.
But what about those times when you’re not feeling great, and life is hard? Everyone is allowed a glass that’s half empty because the reality is that life can be hard a lot of the time.
Everyone experiences ups and downs in life, we all experience difficult feelings such as anger, fear, loneliness, anxiety, disgust, shame, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. And if we respond to what’s hard with positivity, it can create the perfect foundations for them to really root in, grow, run the show and become quite destructive for our thoughts.
Being positive doesn’t override or balance out what we feel inside that’s difficult. Ok, so logically you might feel it does, but actually it doesn’t because we still feel it.
We’ve two languages - one is the language of logic, and one is the language of feelings - and both speak a different vocabulary. What we need is a middle ground between what’s hard and positivity, as positivity can veer into the territory of fakeness.
We need to move away from popular measures of wellness such as self-esteem (which goes up and down) and instead carve out a voice inside that can carry us through the ups, downs with a reality that can sustain whatever life brings. And that voice is our compassionate one.
By cultivating an inner ally, a voice that has your best interests at heart is the most helpful way of supporting your mental health. Afterall, don’t the difficult voices which can put us down, tell us we aren’t good enough, doubt ourselves and keep us stuck become loud so quickly? And balancing these out with all the nice things about you might sound nice, but you’ve to feel it to believe it.
Think back to when you were having a hard time, or found yourself in a tricky spot. People saying positive things can be nice, but did you feel that they really understood what you were going through? Did it help to solve what was going on? Perhaps yes in some situations, but for most of us, we need to feel that things are ok, and feeling things is a totally different language to the language of logic which is where positivity lies.
Don’t be afraid of feeling what’s hard; you can build an inner foundation which will be able to tolerate it. I think people lean on positivity because they’re afraid of the opposite - will this situation/feeling be too much for me? And in this sense, positivity can help a person almost ignore a situation that’s unfolding or a relationship that isn’t serving you well. If we focus on the positive, where’s the room for the reality of what’s going on?
And yes, reality can bring up all kinds of enormous and difficult to feel feelings such as anger, isolation, shame, fear, but these swirl around inside and grow legs until they come out in an unhelpful way. The solution? I propose compassion as an anchor to keep what’s hard at bay.
See, we don’t have to be all or nothing. We don’t have to be positive or negative. There can be a voice inside which helps us see a more balanced approach and this is our compassionate one. Think of your compassionate voice as your inner ally, the voice that has the best interests at heart, which wants you to be ok and tolerate the difficulties of life.
And the compassionate version (as opposed to the positive, negative, shy, awkward, anxious, angry…again, add your own) allows you to be real about what’s going on. And the great news is that this voice inside can be cultivated so that it can tolerate your discomfort and help direct attention in a helpful way so that what’s hard can be lived with.
Remember that nothing is about taking sides - we’ve enough conflict in the world to remind us of this. So try not to fuel the inner conflict of right and wrong, positive or negative. There’s just reality, what’s going on, what you’re experiencing. And that’s ok. With your compassionate mind switched on, it can help guide your actions and thoughts so that you get through. And we’ll take getting through.
About the author: Bethan O’Riordan, IACP Accredited Psychotherapist who runs the Calm Parenting Community and co-host of The Mum Mind Podcast.
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14.01.2024
SEEING the good in situations is a great quality to have. It can help all of us stay away from situations that we don’t need to be involved in, and could help us veer towards being a glass half full kind of person.
But what about those times when you’re not feeling great, and life is hard? Everyone is allowed a glass that’s half empty because the reality is that life can be hard a lot of the time.
Everyone experiences ups and downs in life, we all experience difficult feelings such as anger, fear, loneliness, anxiety, disgust, shame, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. And if we respond to what’s hard with positivity, it can create the perfect foundations for them to really root in, grow, run the show and become quite destructive for our thoughts.
Being positive doesn’t override or balance out what we feel inside that’s difficult. Ok, so logically you might feel it does, but actually it doesn’t because we still feel it.
We’ve two languages - one is the language of logic, and one is the language of feelings - and both speak a different vocabulary. What we need is a middle ground........
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