At NuSoda, we believe that your afternoon beverage doesn’t have to be unhealthy. You’re a thirtysomething professional, and you live a conscious, productive life style—besides, you’re already going out for drinks after work. So we’ve taken your favorite soda flavors and Health-ified™️ them. We bet you can’t even tell the difference! Pick up a can of NuSoda today, now available at more than forty-five gentrified bodegas.

We captured that delightful “aah” sensation of cracking open a lemon-lime soda without any of the guilt. Instead of lemons and limes, our version is a yuzu-persimmon spritzer, which is basically the same! That delightful, familiar tang of yuzu coupled with an unmistakable splash of persimmon will surely satisfy your sweet tooth. There’s only five grams of sugar—and, trust us, we’ve stretched those five grams as far as they’ll go. It’s the ideal companion for a work break that you end up working through.

Why mess with perfection? NuSoda’s root-beer tonic is a near-carbon copy of a classic sarsaparilla, except we replaced the cane sugar with Jerusalem-artichoke extract. Also, artificial caramel color is out, and soaked green lentils are in. Still not healthy enough for you? We’ve pumped this soda so full of probiotics that your gut will overdose on bacteria, which is a good thing. After all, we used the word “extract” a little while ago! Carbonation? Hardly.

Our small-batch elixir is a pure throwback to the original cola. Not the cola you know and love—we’re talking about the original medicinal cola with a million ingredients that was invented in the eighteen-eighties by pharmacists who had no idea what they were doing. It’s back, baby! But we’ve swapped out the cocaine for CBD (legal reasons). Yeah, we’re bummed about it, too.

Picture this: It’s 3 P.M., which means you’re about to settle in for yet another Zoom meeting. It’s too late for coffee, and unflavored seltzer makes you sad. Just then, you catch the glint of a can of alternative-looking cream soda featuring a twee illustration of a unicycle. You check the ingredients. Mulberry? Cassava? Monk fruit?! What sorcery! You pay the $8.99 and take a sip. We all know you’ll pay $8.99 only once. But now you can say you’ve tried monk fruit. That’s pretty cool!

Honestly, we really pulled this flavor off. It’s legit all-natural grape soda with low sugar and barely any carbs. We actually fucking did it! Which is why this is the only flavor we sell in our online store. Sign up for promotional e-mails for five per cent off your first order, and then immediately unsubscribe. (It’s O.K., we know you do that.) Oh, and there’s a warm metallic aftertaste we cannot account for. ♦