It’s the shoe that spring has been waiting for: the new Alaïa ballet flat. It is studded with clear crystals, giving the not displeasing impression that it doubles up as fashion item and street-fighting accessory. And it’s £890, which is wild for a shoe that doesn’t even run to the expense of a heel. But you don’t need to worry, because they’re sold out. All the fashion editors bought a pair, apparently. And that’s fine, because they almost never kick each other.

Disregarding the chic years we are all too young to remember, when ballet flats were associated with Brigitte Bardot and Audrey Hepburn, they started life as a Sloane staple. It was never obvious why the kind of woman who wore an alice band and a pie-crust collar would need quick-getaway footwear, but these connections were incredibly tight; there was a whole era when to wear a ballet flat and not also own a horse was like an act of fraud.

Practicality eventually intervened, to coincide with the rise of the ladette. You know who needs a stable shoe, in which no engineering comes between you and the pavement? A drunk person. It was quite the reputational cascade, this, from “shoe associated with prim, affluent, demure person” to “shoe for a hellcat who would otherwise fall over”. But shoes don’t care about that kind of thing.

Inevitably, the hellcats got older, stopped falling over of their own accord and started prioritising comfort. In came the wider-fit ballet pump, with a cushioned interior, perfect for travelling. You used to be able to pass gracefully into the comfort-shoe bracket without anyone mentioning it, but now, because of the socials, you will be reminded several times an hour, via targeted ads, that there is a perfect shoe for your tired feet. It’s a bombardment so insistent that it makes the whole of you feel tired.

Ballet flats were due a change of clientele and they got one: they are now for the person with more money than sense who would be handy in a brawl. I would love to be that person.

Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist

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