Brisbane was a horror show: irresponsible batting, bowling too short, too wide or too full and catches dropped.

This Australian team was there to be beaten, but somehow, after just six days of Ashes cricket, England need a miracle.

England talk the talk but can’t walk the walk. With this sort of batting and bowling, they couldn’t win an egg cup, let alone the Ashes urn.

Ben Stokes said England had a blueprint. They had been planning this tour for four years and know what they are doing. What a load of bullshit. We can’t believe anything Ben or his team say. None of them want to listen to anyone outside of their own camp.

They are up their own backsides, convinced that Test cricket has changed so much that only they know anything about the modern game.

They won’t have it, but there is no substitute for competitive match cricket. That is where you find out what length to bowl on Australian pitches, what shots to use best on their surfaces and more importantly, what not to do.

It was a painful day for Ben Stokes in more ways than one.Credit: Getty Images

One of the problems with this squad is it appears nobody tells them off or sits them down and discusses what they could or should have done differently.

All we ever hear from the captain is attack, and from the coach, keep the faith. After some of those dismissals, my Yorkshire captain Brian Close would have stood at the top of the pavilion steps with steam coming out of his ears, waiting to give you a “knuckle sandwich”.

But what do I know? I am just a has-been who did four England tours of Australia, winning two Ashes series and drawing the other two.

This lot aren’t even afraid of getting dropped, which is why we see the same old failings, particularly in the batting.

Every England cricket supporter must be asking........

© The Age