As discussed in my previous articles, people with high-conflict personalities (HCPs) may not possess the emotional maturity and capacity to ever have healthy emotional relationships. Ways to recognize high-conflict personalities include being aware of long-term interactional patterns, including the presence of continuous emotional dramas and conflict, the inability to engage in effective rupture and repairs in relationships, and interactions that leave you feeling drained, confused, or anxious vs. positive and energized.

HCPs tend to think of themselves first, engage in chronic self-absorbed behavior, and show a lack of empathy or remorse for past grievances, a behavior pattern that often leaves others around them feeling hurt. These characteristics, among others,(i.e., a tendency to gaslight others or "forget" previous conflicts) make it difficult to have a close relationship with them. As a result, many people in their orbit choose not to have a relationship at all, while some set boundaries to limit their time with them or otherwise minimize their interactions. However, during the holidays, many find a unique set of challenges with the HCPs in their lives.

The holidays can be a wonderful time of the year to spend with loved ones, yet stress is common. The pressures of travel and entertaining, combined with financial concerns and time constraints, can cause significant tension. Further, needing to interact with high-conflict personalities, people who struggle with drug or alcohol dependency, or those with undiagnosed mental health issues can further induce anxiety, even dread. Holiday gatherings can be particularly taxing if there has been a history of conflicts, arguments, and tension in the past. And unfortunately, due to their emotional immaturity, HCPs are generally unable to put differences aside and may be driven by emotion, causing further drama (Lester, 2021).

Many of my clients report that they "have no choice" but to spend more time with certain family members, co-workers, and friends who possess these traits during the holiday season. They may feel guilty if they distance themselves or do not see their family, even if they're impossible to deal with. Other reasons include wanting to see others at the same gathering, not wanting to make waves, or they may find it important that their children have relationships with other family members, even those who have HCP traits.

If you feel you must interact with a high-conflict personality during the holidays, what can you do to cope? Start here:

This article also appears on wwww.drtracyhutchinson.com.

References

References:

Childs E., White, T., & Whit, H. (2014). Personality traits modulate emotional and physiological responses to stress. Behavioral Pharmacolology. 25, 493-502. doi:10.1097/FBP.000000000000006.

Godwin, A. & Lester, G. (2021). Demystifying personality disorders. Clinical Skills for working with drama and manipulation. (PESI) Lesser, E. (2004).

Lesser, E. (2008). Broken open, how difficult times help us grow. Villard: New York, NY.