Attitudes toward small talk can vary, but there are a few reasons why some people may dislike or even hate small talk.
Small talk is often seen as superficial and lacking depth. Some people prefer meaningful, substantial conversations and find small talk trivial, uninteresting, and a waste of time. People who value deep connections may find small talk insufficient for building meaningful relationships. Small talk can even be seen as a barrier to establishing genuine connections. But it needn't be.
When we consider the types of information we can share in small talk, it allows us to take the conversation in the direction we'd like it to go. If the goal is to use small talk to deepen connections with others, consider the kind of information you are sharing. Communication research differentiates three levels of conversation: factual, personal, and relational.
At the most superficial level of conversation, we share facts. We talk about things and their place in time and space, exchange news and facts, and report on our experiences factually and objectively (e.g., "It was warm outside today." "I work as a computer analyst.”) This level also includes biographical data and the questions you usually ask or get asked at social gatherings, like where are you from, what you do for work, where you live, what you are up to this weekend, etc. Almost all factual, practical, and functional information relays information from one person to another. It can be quite useful, but it lacks emotional content.
The next is the personal level, where we talk about how we feel about the content at the informational level. (e.g., “I loved the warm weather today.” “I find my work rewarding.”) The personal level is defined by sharing emotions about something or someone beyond the current time and space—either in the past or future or somewhere other than the present moment. Sharing from the personal level invites the other person or people to connect with you at this deeper level.
However, most people connect with how the emotion in the other person relates to their own feelings rather than connecting directly with the emotions of the other person. For example, if someone tells you a story about disappointment, you will likely recall a similar experience in which you felt disappointed. When people say something like "I totally know how that feels," they are often recalling a similar experience in their own lives. Their response is based on how we feel, not the other person. This is why if you disclose something personal and vulnerable to create greater intimacy with another person, it can backfire and leave you feeling misunderstood or like you were oversharing. Others associate you with that feeling or memory from their own past experience and try to fix it by giving you advice.
So, to build a deeper connection with another, it's essential to consider whether we fully accept another person's emotional experience. Whenever we try to make someone feel better or offer advice designed to change their experience, it's most often because we're uncomfortable with that emotion or the memory it evokes.
For most people, the personal level is as intimate as a connection gets, yet there is another, more profound level that has the potential to foster greater intimacy.
The relational level involves sharing in the present moment and space. Think: What's happening now? How am I feeling at this moment? How do you feel being here with me? When we bring our attention to the present moment, we often experience greater vitality, engagement, and connection with others.
One way we can bring the experience of the present moment into the conversation is to start sentences with "I notice…" This brings our attention to the many aspects of our present-moment experience and lets another person into our inner world. It's also a great way to develop a sense of spontaneity without expectations. This does not have to be a deep probing query but a light-hearted curiosity (e.g., “What's it like to share this with me?")
You can get a sense of how the experience of intimate connection with another deepens as we move through the levels. Anytime we invite another person into our present-moment lived experience, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, seen, and heard for who we are. It also invites the other person to stay present with us and enjoy the experience—not telling stories about the past or projecting into the future. We can enjoy the unique moment with each other.
References
Copyright 2023 Tara Well, Ph.D.
How to Take Small Talk Deeper
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30.12.2023
Attitudes toward small talk can vary, but there are a few reasons why some people may dislike or even hate small talk.
Small talk is often seen as superficial and lacking depth. Some people prefer meaningful, substantial conversations and find small talk trivial, uninteresting, and a waste of time. People who value deep connections may find small talk insufficient for building meaningful relationships. Small talk can even be seen as a barrier to establishing genuine connections. But it needn't be.
When we consider the types of information we can share in small talk, it allows us to take the conversation in the direction we'd like it to go. If the goal is to use small talk to deepen connections with others, consider the kind of information you are sharing. Communication research differentiates three levels of conversation: factual, personal, and relational.
At the most superficial level of conversation, we share facts. We talk about things and their place in time and space, exchange news and facts, and report on our experiences factually and objectively (e.g., "It was warm outside today." "I work as a computer analyst.”) This........
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