You’ve probably heard the phrase or seen the hashtag #boymom circulating on social media. On its surface, it doesn’t seem problematic; it’s simply a way of identifying and connecting with other moms who have sons and all that may entail. However, when you dig deeper, you find aspects of #boymom culture that are, unfortunately, toxic and set the stage for dysfunctional family relationships.
A quick look at Instagram or TikTok and you’ll easily find hundreds, if not thousands, of memes and reels about #boymom culture ranging from moms saying that being a #boymom is like enduring the longest break-up of your life or reels of #boymoms crying and throwing tantrums at the thought of their sons, who are currently babies or adolescents, getting married one day.
As a mom of a son and as a researcher who studies family dynamics, including in-law relationships, I understand both personally and professionally how bittersweet it is to see your children grow up, leave the nest, and start their own families. Although we love to see our children flourish, we also miss those days when we were our kid’s whole world—and that’s OK. We can feel both happiness and a twinge of sadness when our kids grow up. Acknowledging the duality of life and the mixed emotions that come with it are very different than what is happening for some who embrace #boymom culture.
Even in jest, #boymom culture can create a toxic family environment and set the stage for a troubling dynamic among moms, adult sons, and their wives for three reasons:
1. The #boymom content I see on social media romanticizes a familial relationship and puts sons in an inappropriate role. Whether it’s referring to sons as “boyfriends” or talking about how a son’s growing up is like being broken up with, these aspects of #boymom culture put sons in the role of romantic partner rather than child. It’s not surprising, then, that moms who view their bond with their sons like this eventually come to see their son’s wife as the “enemy” or “other woman” out to “steal her man.”
2. Relatedly, viewing a daughter-in-law as the “other woman” sets up negative expectations for the in-law relationship from the start. Often, when we go into an experience expecting the worst, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, meaning we behave in certain ways based on our beliefs, and then, lo and behold, our beliefs come true because of how we acted.
For example, if a mother-in-law thinks her daughter-in-law is “stealing” her son from her, she may act jealous and possessive and exclude her daughter-in-law from events and conversations. As a result, her son and daughter-in-law may set a boundary around this inappropriate behavior and pull away from the mother-in-law. Now her son spends less time with her, and she thinks, See, I was right, she took him from me, rather than realizing that her actions caused the distance.
3. Positioning sons as romantic partners puts inappropriate pressure on them to prioritize their moms over their wives. As a result, sons may “feel caught” between their moms and their wives. Moms that test their sons’ loyalty to them prevent their adult sons from completing developmentally appropriate tasks such as separating from the family of origin and creating their own family unit. Making sons feel guilty for prioritizing their wives will create a fraught relationship with adult sons and their spouses and likely lead to emotional distance, the exact opposite of what most parents and #boymoms want.
So how do we ensure that #boymom culture doesn’t negatively impact our relationships with our sons and daughters-in-law?
Being a mother to a son is a wonderful experience, but subscribing to the more toxic notions of #boymom culture is detrimental to your own well-being and the relational well-being of the parent-adult child bond and relationships within the larger family system. Supporting your son as he develops his own family and accepting your daughter-in-law into the family fold is one of the greatest gifts a #boymom can give her son.
#BoyMom Culture: Toxic Aspects
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04.12.2023
You’ve probably heard the phrase or seen the hashtag #boymom circulating on social media. On its surface, it doesn’t seem problematic; it’s simply a way of identifying and connecting with other moms who have sons and all that may entail. However, when you dig deeper, you find aspects of #boymom culture that are, unfortunately, toxic and set the stage for dysfunctional family relationships.
A quick look at Instagram or TikTok and you’ll easily find hundreds, if not thousands, of memes and reels about #boymom culture ranging from moms saying that being a #boymom is like enduring the longest break-up of your life or reels of #boymoms crying and throwing tantrums at the thought of their sons, who are currently babies or adolescents, getting married one day.
As a mom of a son and as a researcher who studies family dynamics, including in-law relationships, I understand both personally and professionally how bittersweet it is to see your children grow up, leave the nest, and start their own........
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