Only children receive a lot of scrutiny. In building a picture of only children, it is important to acknowledge the unique challenges they experience in their families of origin. For better and for worse, they face some challenges that those with siblings can more easily avoid.
Only children cannot check their perceptions of family events and get sibling support. In families with multiple children, a brother can turn to a sister and say, “Mom said X. It seemed unreasonable to me. What do you think?” and have that sibling “get it.” Siblings can validate one another’s experiences, share looks, support one another, and step in if need be. An only child does not have the benefit of perception checking and support when things become stressful. They must decide for themselves how their interactions feel, trust that feeling, and respond without backup.
A common issue in families occurs when parents put their child in the middle of adult arguments. The child may play referee to calm each parent down, act out to break the ice, or pass messages between parents. This dynamic traps the child in an unwinnable situation between two loved ones. These children often become hyper-attuned to parents’ moods to anticipate possible issues. Only children, as the sole source of diversion, may be put more frequently in this stressful position and have fewer escape valves. Nobody can back them up, tell their parents to solve their issues on their own, or take some of the heat.
Some parents pressure their children to achieve in the areas that are important to them and will reflect well on them as parents. That may mean achieving academically, meeting beauty standards, adhering to religious standards, and performing athletically. Only children may feel increased pressure to fulfill their parents' wishes and expectations because they are the only reflection of their parents. That only child may internalize their desires and chafe or struggle under the weight of those hopes and expectations. In adulthood, the child may struggle to figure out how to square their own needs with their parents' wishes.
Only children may feel loyalty to their parents that feels like “us against the world.” While this sort of loyalty can foster a deep connection to parents, it can also manifest as guilt in sharing any discontent they may feel within the family. Again and again, only children I have worked with have felt reluctant in therapy to discuss the ways that they struggled during their upbringing. When they do, many feel either disloyal for exposing the challenges of their upbringing or isolated in handling them.
As parents age, adult children may take on additional responsibilities such as helping their parents navigate the health care system, becoming the power of attorney, and taking direct responsibility for their well-being. With no way to spread the work between siblings, only children may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility. Some have expressed the belief that they should never move too far from their parents and that they aren’t sure where to turn for additional support. All of this weighs heavily.
Parents of only children can support their only child by being thoughtful about how the family operates. Parents may learn to keep their child out of fights, encourage their child to become who they are rather than who they hope their child will be, and make sure to build up other support systems for themselves. Only children, in turn, can be open about when things start to feel too stressful or that they need additional supports. While these are issues only children may face, they are by no means inevitable.
5 Unique Family Issues for an Only Child
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21.05.2024
Only children receive a lot of scrutiny. In building a picture of only children, it is important to acknowledge the unique challenges they experience in their families of origin. For better and for worse, they face some challenges that those with siblings can more easily avoid.
Only children cannot check their perceptions of family events and get sibling support. In families with multiple children, a brother can turn to a sister and say, “Mom said X. It seemed unreasonable to me. What do you think?” and have that sibling “get it.” Siblings can validate one another’s experiences, share looks, support one another, and step in if need be. An only child does not have the benefit of perception checking and support when things become stressful. They must decide for themselves how their interactions feel, trust that feeling, and respond without backup.
A common issue in families........
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