Building trust and safety in intimate relationships usually provides a significant buffer against any unexpected emergencies. Successful relationship partners know that their partnership will invariably face them and they count on each other to help navigate the challenge together.
But sometimes one partner may behave in an unexpected and unsupportive way when a crisis erupts. Seemingly out of nowhere, they react in ways that sabotage the situation.
Working with couples for four-plus decades, I have seen this unexpected and odd behavior many times and want to share with you why I believe it happens.
The partner who unexpectedly pulls out during a crisis has often suppressed resentments, anger, or hurt feelings in order to keep the peace and tranquility of the relationship. When a crisis occurs, those buried feelings can erupt under the pressure of a threatening situation. Instead of behaving as their partners would expect, the partner sitting on those longtime negative feelings may lash out.
Following are eight examples of these underlying potential relationship saboteurs and the unexpected reactions they may cause.
One of the most damaging potential saboteurs is the feeling of resentment in a partner who has always allowed the other to be in charge. He or she may give into that power imbalance to keep the peace on the other end of a partner who needs that control.
A crisis emerges.
A couple seems to be getting along well. Yet, when a problem arises, it appears that both often agree that only one of the partners is usually responsible for the error. That person accepting blame is usually very quick to be sorry and to promise better behavior in the future. The other partner rarely feels the need to apologize and is readily forgiven.
A crisis emerges.
Too often a couple will sacrifice honesty and authenticity to keep the peace. One of the partners routinely holds back expressing discontent or resentment but those cumulative feelings lie under the surface. They might feel that their feelings are not warranted or will not make things better if expressed.
A crisis emerges.
No relationship is perfect and there is no such thing as perfect and overarching trust. Successful couples know each other well enough to count on what is likely to happen and not worry about what might not. They rely on the fact that promises, no matter how well-intended they are, do not always come true.
That is not a problem unless a partner buries feelings of mistrust and doesn’t share that disappointment.
A crisis emerges.
All couples share their resources of time, money, availability, and energy. They make agreements about how those resources will be distributed and under which circumstances. There are times when one partner needs more and the other accedes, fully expecting reciprocity when it is their turn.
If, over time, that balance skews more often for only one partner, the other may feel that the situation is unfair, but is unable to express the desire. Or, they might be the kind of person who gives too much and then becomes martyred when it is not returned in kind.
A crisis emerges.
At any time, one partner may approach the other for connection, comfort, and support. Experts call it a bid for connection. It can be urgent or simply a need to share in that moment. The other partner may be preoccupied or just doesn’t see the situation as that important. If that happens on a regular basis, and the partner needing attention stops asking, they may no longer feel the need to be there when the other partner needs them.
A crisis emerges.
During disagreements, one partner may challenge the other by threats to leave the relationship. These comments are usually made in moments of escalated anger, and often dismissed as empty threats soon after. But if the partner threatened has experienced earlier abandonment trauma, they may bury more painful feelings and not express them.
A crisis emerges.
All relationships are primarily transactional. Whether they realize it or not, both expect reciprocity for involvement and availability. But, if one partner feels that the transactions are consistently primarily in favor of the other, that partner will silently begin to keep score.
A crisis occurs.
Why Suppressed Emotions Can Erupt in a Crisis
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01.12.2023
Building trust and safety in intimate relationships usually provides a significant buffer against any unexpected emergencies. Successful relationship partners know that their partnership will invariably face them and they count on each other to help navigate the challenge together.
But sometimes one partner may behave in an unexpected and unsupportive way when a crisis erupts. Seemingly out of nowhere, they react in ways that sabotage the situation.
Working with couples for four-plus decades, I have seen this unexpected and odd behavior many times and want to share with you why I believe it happens.
The partner who unexpectedly pulls out during a crisis has often suppressed resentments, anger, or hurt feelings in order to keep the peace and tranquility of the relationship. When a crisis occurs, those buried feelings can erupt under the pressure of a threatening situation. Instead of behaving as their partners would expect, the partner sitting on those longtime negative feelings may lash out.
Following are eight examples of these underlying potential........
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