Many partners assume that if they love each other enough, cooperation will simply happen in its own time. But research, in recent years, has introduced an important clarification: Good relationships support better problem-solving, and strong problem-solving, in turn, reinforces the relationship. The two processes form a loop. If we pull gently on one end, the other will inevitably come undone, too.

This is the central premise of Mara Olekalns’ 2022 article in Negotiation Journal, Nine Lessons from Love: Couples Therapy for Negotiators. Olekalns, a professor of management at Melbourne Business School, argues that negotiation is not just a skill used with colleagues or adversaries; it is also the scaffolding of intimate life.

She proposes that turning points — moments that interrupt the expected flow of interaction — are the crucibles in which relationships are reshaped. A turning point, according to Olekalns, can be:

What unites these moments is the turbulence they create. They unsettle assumptions, trigger uncertainty, erode interpretive generosity and weaken the small acts of maintenance that relationships rely on. A couple may have spent years learning how to handle each other gently, yet one stray moment of stress can pull them off their practiced rhythm.

To understand and mitigate the potential long-term wreckage this turbulence can cause, Olekalns assembled several lessons. Below is a synthesis of those lessons for anyone who hopes to sustain love over the long term.

One of the most........

© Psychology Today