A lot has been written and discussed about women apologizing more than men. Women apologize even when nothing was done that required an apology. According to a study published in Psychological Science, when men think they have done something wrong, they are just as likely as women to apologize. However, they don’t think they are wrong as often as women do.
Why is that?
Upbringing has a lot to do with it. Perhaps you didn’t have women role models who had strong voices and opinions and were respected and successful in their careers. Women have stereotype on top of stereotype layered into their psyches. Gender stereotyping shapes women into what society thinks they should be, such as good mothers, good wives, good caretakers, good cooks, good nurturers, and overall perfect, nice, and sweet people.
Yes, women can be those things if they choose, but they are so much more. What is harmful about the stereotypes is they limit the ability of women to choose careers and confidently build on their personal and professional strengths.
Katherine Coffman, Harvard Business School assistant professor, states, “Women are more likely than men to shrug off the praise and low-ball their own abilities.” Gender stereotypes not only hold women back at work, her research determined, they can cause women to question their own abilities.
When women lack confidence about their strengths and abilities, they often apologize for not meeting a perceived level of competency. Over-apologizing at work is neither cool nor positive and it can negatively impact a woman’s career and self-esteem. Women should stop and consider whether an apology is truly called for or necessary. More times than not, silence is best.
“So sorry to interrupt, but I have a better idea." "I’m sorry, Bob, but I don’t agree.” Why are women sorry that they are speaking up? Sharing our ideas and challenging the status quo are how companies innovate and evolve.
Which sounds more powerful to you: “Sorry I’m late getting back to you on your email.” Or, “I have a big presentation this afternoon, but I will respond to your email tomorrow.”
Melissa had a boss who was always looking for things she did wrong. She apologized for most everything, and he kept score as she undermined her credibility. When he said he didn’t understand a paragraph in a report she had written, she replied, “I’m sorry. I will rewrite it.” She could have simply said, “What don’t you understand?”
Melissa even apologized for things she was not responsible for. When one of her colleagues was late for a meeting and her boss said, “Where’s Jerry?” She replied, “I’m sorry, let me try to try to find him.” Constant apologies communicate that you have done something wrong, which in both examples is not the case.
Self-blame can destroy your confidence, create guilt, and negatively impact your reputation within your organization. Fortunately for Melissa, a female colleague pulled her aside and privately told her that she was over-apologizing and that she would likely see positive results if she stopped. So they made a pact to call each other out when either of them witnessed apologetic behavior. It was a great lesson in behavior modification. Melissa stopped saying she was sorry all the time, eventually left her toxic boss, and went on to become the successful executive director of a foundation.
“Excessive apologizing is a bad—but ingrained—habit that women need to ditch immediately,” according to sociologist Maja Jovanovic, known as Professor Maja in her popular TEDx Talk on the subject. She went on to say, “Often times we think, ‘Oh I’m being polite, they’re going to perceive me as being a kind human being. But in fact, we are perceived in the complete opposite way. In actuality, we are seen as not confident, insecure, doubtful ,and incompetent.”
As in Melissa’s case, she was not aware that she was a serial over-apologizer until a friend pointed it out. That is the case with many women at work; it’s a habit.
Would you like to break an over-apologetic habit? Keep score. In a normal work day, make a note of how many times you apologize. Then calculate your day, week, and month total. Chances are you will be very surprised. The next step is simple : Catch yourself before the words ever leave your mouth.
Unless a mistake was truly yours, an apology is not needed. So do not open your mouth, do not say one word, and do not take the blame.
It’s time to silence mindless, frequent apologizing at work. Women need to not be sorry that they aren’t overly sorry anymore!
Regain Your Power by Silence
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26.01.2024
A lot has been written and discussed about women apologizing more than men. Women apologize even when nothing was done that required an apology. According to a study published in Psychological Science, when men think they have done something wrong, they are just as likely as women to apologize. However, they don’t think they are wrong as often as women do.
Why is that?
Upbringing has a lot to do with it. Perhaps you didn’t have women role models who had strong voices and opinions and were respected and successful in their careers. Women have stereotype on top of stereotype layered into their psyches. Gender stereotyping shapes women into what society thinks they should be, such as good mothers, good wives, good caretakers, good cooks, good nurturers, and overall perfect, nice, and sweet people.
Yes, women can be those things if they choose, but they are so much more. What is harmful about the stereotypes is they limit the ability of women to choose careers and confidently build on their personal and professional strengths.
Katherine Coffman, Harvard Business School assistant professor, states, “Women are more likely than men to........
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