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Most western models of mental health care focus on just the client.

Families of young people in crisis need support, and community and relationships are central to our well-being

When community and family is included in healing, outcomes improve.

Earlier this year, Shaelyn Koops reached out to me to share her son’s story, which is documented in her book, "Hey, Buddy: A Memoir of a Mother and Son.” As the pages unfolded, each with dated entries, my mind drew a picture of Daniel. I could envision an immensely kind-hearted youth who loved nature and philosophy.

Daniel died at just 18 of an undetected perforated ulcer. This resulted from a weakened body after significant dietary restriction during a mental health crisis. His fight through existential crisis, depression, and anxiety began less than a year prior.

Before exhibiting mental health symptoms and hospitalization, Daniel had been regarded as gifted and played a central role in his school. As his behaviors became more esoteric, he became increasingly isolated. People around him showed fear, and though Daniel wanted to re-enter the world outside his challenges, it proved difficult, worsening a downward spiral.

Koops shares, “Those who knew him seemed to forget who he was and treated him like a number. Those who didn’t know him didn’t treat him as a human to begin with."

She strives to elicit the vibrant human behind her son's eyes.

The book included his own writings and contributions. From those around him, I can imagine an immensely kind and intelligent person, someone who loved The Lord of the Rings and cared deeply about others and the world.

In writing the book, Koops shares two goals. First, she states, "I needed to process.” The second was more nuanced. In her words, “I was also trying to clear Daniel’s name because there was so much misunderstanding and ignorance, misconception regarding him. I knew I needed to dive deep into his tunnel to get out of my tunnel."

Throughout the account, Daniel and his family are traced—drawn out, then repeated in an attempt to make sense of something impossible to make sense of. Koops elaborates, "We were grieving his change and struggles, we were just in so much pain for him."

Though Daniel was never violent, systems often addressed him with fear and judgment. Koops shares, "There were just so many things that showed callousness, disregard, inhumanity, and just not treating him like a person."

This is, unfortunately, a common story. In abstract, I have heard catchphrases of “mental health matters” and “be kind to your mind,” but when someone is in the depths as Daniel was, there is still often misunderstanding. When someone needs community most, our culture others them. In addition, the mental health system itself can be surprisingly insular, sometimes further separating someone from others through ways like limited visiting hours in hospitals and treatment that focuses just on what is going on in the mind of the identified client, rather than the broader context of their lives.

Koops hopes to change this. She has since connected with other parents of adolescents and young adults living through a variety of mental health diagnoses. Has found common themes. In terms of mental health care, she notes, "The parents are often forgotten. While the teen is struggling, the parents are struggling. Especially those coming from caregivers who want to do the best for their teen, and their teens are asking for help. While our son needed help, we needed help, too."

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Three Ways Mental Health Professionals Can Include Families

There are small steps almost any professional can take to meet a family's needs and open a conversation about whether and how an individual may be interested in including their support system in their treatment. Here are three ways, synthesized from my conversation with Koops.

Mental health experiences like depression, psychosis, or existential crisis are within the realm of human experiences. By normalizing these and trying to understand as fellow humans, others may feel less alone. Normalizing these for the family and encouraging positive experiences that have nothing to do with mental health treatment is also important.

2. To Let Go of Judgment

Our mental health system has a long and unfortunate history of parent-blaming. Parallel, our greater culture has a history of blaming individuals who are experiencing mental health difficulties as if it were a choice. Explicitly rejecting judgments by reminding individuals and families that this is not their fault and by educating others about mental health when we have the opportunity are two ways we can fight these judgments.

3. To Give Practical Information

One thing Koops said is to give more "tangible ways that we can try to be there and try to understand." Whether through family support resources, conversation, or psychoeducation, there are often some strategies we can share with families. Ask the individual as part of a family session, "How can your loved ones show up for you now?"

Koops's story and insights were genuine and a call to action. All individuals and families affected by a mental health crisis deserve inclusion and community care. She wants families to know that they are not alone. She wishes for schools, police departments, employers, therapists, medical providers, and other key members of society to evaluate how we react when someone is hurting. Are we calling them in or sending them away? She hopes that someday the answer will always be calling them in.

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