Emma sat in her childhood bedroom, surrounded by memories of a time when everything seemed simpler. But now, as an adult, she found herself at odds with her parents more often than not.
The conflict had been brewing for years, simmering under the surface until it finally reached a boiling point. It wasn't just one thing that caused the rift between Emma and her parents; it was a culmination of disagreements, misunderstandings, and unmet expectations.
Emma had long felt misunderstood by her parents. They had certain expectations of who she should be and what she should do with her life, but Emma had different dreams and ambitions. No matter how hard she tried to explain her perspective, they just couldn't see eye to eye.
As the arguments became more frequent and intense, Emma found herself pulling away from her parents emotionally. She felt suffocated by their constant judgment and criticism, and she longed for the freedom to live her life on her terms.
But despite their differences, there was still a lingering sense of love and longing for connection. Deep down, Emma wished things could be different, that she could have the loving, supportive relationship with her parents that she had always craved.
Yet, for now, the conflict remained unresolved, casting a shadow over their relationship and leaving Emma feeling torn between her desire for independence and her need for familial acceptance.
Parents experiencing tension with their grown children often find themselves overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, anxiety, frustration, and emptiness. In my coaching sessions with these parents, who are navigating strained relationships with their reactive and hurtful adult children, a common question arises: Why do they treat me this way?
Based on my clinical experience and through research for my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I determined there are three main reasons behind the negative attitudes and strained dynamics between adult children and their parents.
Before delving into them, it's crucial to acknowledge that no parent is flawless. Despite their sometimes intense communication styles, which may involve intrusive remarks and poor listening skills, parents typically harbor deep love and genuine desires for their adult children's well-being.
Now, let's explore three key reasons why your adult child may be exhibiting disrespectful behavior toward you.
1. You Have Been Critical and Dismissive
Parents who frequently criticize or dismiss their adult child's feelings or achievements can inflict emotional harm, causing them to feel inadequate and unvalued. Persistent criticism and invalidation can foster feelings of helplessness and insecurity in the child, potentially leading to resentment and anger.
Moreover, employing guilt, shame, or manipulative tactics to control the adult child's behavior can exacerbate the strain on the relationship. Failing to respect their boundaries and independence may further alienate the adult child, as they feel unable to escape the parent's influence or control.
What parents can do
Empathy, understanding, and positive reinforcement are essential in nurturing a healthy relationship with your adult child. When coaching parents I help them to stop focusing on their adult children's shortcomings. Instead, these parents learn to acknowledge their adult children's strengths and capabilities.
2. You Have Failed to Acknowledge They Grew Up
As children transition into adulthood, parents may struggle to adapt from the nurturing role of a caregiver to recognizing their child as an independent adult. This difficulty may arise from various factors, including nostalgia for their children's youth, a natural inclination to protect and care for them, and the challenge of adjusting to a new dynamic where the child is more self-sufficient.
Some parents may mistakenly believe they need to maintain control over their adult children's lives, leading to difficulties in relinquishing that control as their children mature. Unrealistic expectations for their children's lives and a lack of understanding regarding their level of responsibility and independence can further complicate matters.
What parents can do
Effective communication, mutual respect, and acknowledgment of your adult child's autonomy are crucial. Emma's mother, for example, worked with me to better learn to encourage Emma's independence. She also learned to listen more with validation rather than giving unsolicited advice when hearing Emma's goals and aspirations.
3. You Have Felt Mired in Unresolved Emotionally-Laden Tensions
The emotional strain between parents and adult children can stem from various sources, such as differing values, conflicts over past events, or struggles in adjusting to shifting roles and dynamics. These unresolved emotions often manifest as stress, anxiety, and relationship strains for both parties.
Further complicating matters, as children mature and establish their own identities, they may develop values or beliefs that clash with those of their parents, leading to disagreements and tensions. Additionally, unresolved conflicts or traumas from the past may resurface later in life, contributing to tension between parents and adult children. Poor communication patterns can exacerbate these issues, leading to misunderstandings and hurtful arguments.
What parents can do
Addressing strained emotions with your adult child requires prioritizing positive communication, empathy, and understanding. Aim to engage in open and honest dialogue, actively listen to your child's concerns, and make an effort to comprehend their perspectives.
It's essential to recognize that these challenges can arise in any family dynamic and may not necessarily be intentional on the part of the parent. However, their impact on the adult child's emotional well-being can be significant. Parents must be mindful of their behavior and its effects on their grown children. Seeking professional assistance from a therapist or counselor can offer valuable support in navigating these complexities and fostering healthier relationships.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
login
who are we?
contact us
qosheapp
Toi Staff
Gideon Levy
Belen Fernandez
Rami G Khouri
Mort Laitner
Donald Low
Ali Fathollah-Nejad
Nikkei Editorial
visit website
