Toxic labeling in a relationship involves using harmful labels to describe one another, often to manipulate or control the other person. As a psychologist working with couples for over the past 30 years, I have seen how the crushing impact of toxic labels can destroy love in intimate relationships. Here's an example of toxic labeling between partners.
Sarah and Alex (names and labels changed here for privacy) see me for couples counseling. They've been in a relationship for a couple of years. Lately, they have been experiencing increased tension and conflict. Instead of addressing their issues through open communication, they started using toxic labels to hurt each other.
One recent evening, after a minor disagreement, their label-slinging went something like this:
Sarah: "You're always so lazy and irresponsible. I can't believe I have to put up with someone like you."
Alex: "Oh, look who's talking. Ms. Perfect over here thinks she's never wrong. You're just a control freak who can't stand it when things don't go your way."
In this example, both Sarah and Alex are toxically labeling each other. Sarah uses labels like "lazy" and "irresponsible" to demean Alex, while Alex counters with labels like "Ms. Perfect" and "control freak" to criticize Sarah. These labels go beyond addressing specific behaviors and attack each other's character, creating a toxic and hostile environment in their relationship.
Alex runs 15 miles a week, works five to 10 hours of overtime a week, and rises early to exercise and help with chores. Hardly the behavior of a lazy couch potato. Sarah sees a therapist and professional coach to help her communicate well. She is by no means in denial about the "give and take" needed to get along with others.
Alex and Sarah had become what I call "label slingers." Yet, to their credit, this couple has been working with me to stop their dance of toxic labeling.
Let's take a look now at some examples of what toxic labels can mean and what underlies them.
As I further describe in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, toxic labeling can lead to a destructive cycle of blame, resentment, and further misunderstandings. These labels represent underlying concerns that are often not healthily expressed. Healthy communication involves addressing specific behaviors or concerns without resorting to personal attacks or negative labels. Take a look at the table below showing toxic labels and their corresponding underlying concerns.
Here’s an interesting point about labeling. As the psychologist Aaron Beck noted, it is often the case that the assigned labels are the opposite of their original perceptions. In other words, the very qualities that often attract partners to each other later are seen as negatives. The positive qualities of the labeled partner do not just evaporate. However, what happens over time is that stress, disillusionment, and just plain old familiarity lead to toxic thinking. When that happens, the negative aspects of your partner relationship become more prominent. Check out the example below of Tim and Mia to see how this plays out.
Tim And Mia Went From Positive Labelers to Toxic Labelers
When they first met, Mia was attracted to Tim because he was “the easy-going one,” the one who was able to sit back and smell the proverbial roses. She’d felt that his ability to relax would help her not to be so serious all the time and be such a go-getter. After a few years of marriage, however, Mia's positive labeling of Tim as “easy-going” became the negative label of “couch potato.” Tim, in turn, who initially was drawn to Mia's "dazzling style," began seeing Mia as a "shopaholic."
Mia realized that her tendency to toxically label Tim was a result of her married life being different from what she expected. Mia became more mindful that her desire for Tim to do home-improvement projects every weekend wasn’t always fair. As she objectively realized, Tim worked several hours of overtime each week and needed some downtime. I helped Mia see that her negative perception of Tim was the polar opposite of her initial positive view of him.
I shared with Mia a table of negative labels and positive alternative ones, which I use with clients to help them reframe the negative labels of their partners (see the table below). Reframing the toxic label you give your partner will encourage you to rethink your perceptions about them.
Toxic Labels
Alternative Positive Labels
Interestingly, when I pressed Tim about his reasons for calling Mia a “shopaholic” (which means “irresponsible with money”), he admitted that he didn’t think she had a problem with shopping or spending too much money. He was labeling her to “get back at her” for labeling him. “I felt like I had to make her seem not so perfect as well,” he said.
It is common for partners to begin to form toxic labels about one another. Yet changing your toxic label for your partner to a more positive one can create more satisfaction in your relationship. As you begin to see your partner in a more understanding way, they will sense it and respond positively to you. The less you negatively label, the more you and your partner can become emotionally available to each other.
References
Beck, Aaron, T. (1988) Love is Never Enough. New York, Harper & Row.
Ferguson, Elizabeth & Karantzas, Gery, (2023). The associations between relationship self‐regulation, partner regulation, and relationship outcomes: A meta‐analysis, Journal of Family Theory & ReviewJournal of Family Theory & ReviewJournal of Family Theory & Review. 10.1111/jftr.12508, 15, 4, (764-792)
Philia Elisabeth, and Uthama, Evanda Danara (2022) Restoration of Trust in Toxic Relationships. Budapest International Research and Critics Institute (BIRCI-Journal): Humanities and Social Sciences, 5 (2). pp. 9402-9410. ISSN 2615-1715(Print); 2615-3076 (Online).
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