Gift giving. These two words can trigger our sweat glands and hijack our generally mindful response to stress.
Gifting involves scrolling the internet and walking the malls, wrapping and presenting what you hope are perfect presents. But there's more. There's the aftermath, who is responsible for exchanges and returns when you didn’t get color, size, or style right?
What if you tried a different approach? Did you know there is a simple gift you can give that is exempt from this fraught-filled process? It is a gift that is free, meaningful, and potentially life-changing for both you and the recipient.
Give the gift of your words.
1. Say, "I value you"
My favorite gifts have always been gifts of sweet words. They can arrive in the form of letters, emails, and cards that convey personal sentiments. "Thank you." "I care about you." "You're important to me." Words reach across the busyness of daily life and strengthen connections frayed by activity. Social scientists suggest the best gifts are those that surprise and delight, and that the surprise is even greater when the reaching out is unexpected. What would be more surprising and delightful than a handwritten letter or poem?
When you can't decide what to give someone, consider handwriting a letter that articulates what they mean to you. It's a gift you can give to family members, friends, and members of your community. It says, more than anything that comes in a gift bag, "You matter in my life."
It even is appropriate for a work environment. At Harvard University, we would celebrate a Season of Giving each November and December, where we were encouraged to send handwritten notes to coworkers expressing appreciation for their good work, collaboration, or camaraderie. These notes boosted morale and strengthened professional bonds. They became keepsakes. Years later, my notecards still hang in my office.
2. Say, "I forgive you"
Another gift is saying "I forgive you." When we forgive someone who has intentionally or inadvertently hurt us, there's a bonus. The gift of forgiveness boomerangs and rewards the giver with many emotional and physical benefits.
Ten years ago my heart hurt when my close friend inexplicably and without explanation abandoned me as I was terminating my three-decade marriage. What I most needed as I navigated those rough waters was my friend. She had always innately understood what was required in the moment. Did I need to be heard, held, or helped?
Over the years, I carried my disappointment and sadness over her ghosting in a metaphorical backpack that weighed me down. That was until last month when I decided I would forgive her. It was simple and absolute. I embraced the belief that we all do the best we can. For me, there was freedom from revisiting the wound, and for her, it seemed an invisible tension had vaporized. There was a marked shift, and during a recent rare visit, our conversation flowed again.
Forgiveness is a voluntary decision to let go of negative feelings toward someone who has hurt you and replace those feelings with unconditional love and compassion. It doesn't erase the past or automatically reboot the broken relationship, but it does bring solace to the present. Forgiveness is central to successfully navigating life's troubles. Beyond that, you just feel better.
Forgiveness can lead to healing. Those who embrace forgiveness tend to have lower levels of depression, anxiety, and aggression. There are the additional benefits of decreased stress levels, lower blood pressure, and a lower heart rate.
As to the person being forgiven, the benefits are less defined, but studies show it has the potential to create opportunities for positive communication that can foster reconciliation. Forgiving can relieve the tension that has simmered, and open the door to personal insight and growth. More than anything it is a chance to let go and start again.
Give a gift to yourself and someone who has hurt you by reopening communications—directly addressing the incident or not—but look at the relationship anew, with compassion and empathy.
3. Say, "I am sorry"
Saying "I'm sorry" to someone you have inadvertently hurt demonstrates value and respect to that person who may have been harboring negative feelings since the incident occurred. It offers them an opportunity to express sadness over the event and grants them closure. It costs nothing and can reverberate with a wealth of positive outcomes.
My experience of forgiving my friend prodded me to reflect on those I may have unintentionally hurt, and I used this awareness to apologize to someone who had a health crisis during the same period I was recalibrating my life. Over a glass of wine, I told her I was sorry I wasn't there to lend a hand during her difficult time. I didn't justify my behavior or offer any excuses for my lack of presence. A welcome and meaningful discussion ensued.
The rules for an apology, whether written or spoken, are these:
1. Lead with "I am sorry," acknowledging you did something you regret.
2. Don't weaken the apology with explanations (even if there are legitimate excuses).
3. Specifically ask for forgiveness, and understand if the recipient doesn’t immediately grant it to you.
4. Say, "What can I learn from you?"
Our communities are increasingly mired in controversy and aflame with dissonant views openly and combatively expressed. It has created seemingly unhealable rifts that fester within families, among neighbors, and between acquaintances on social media. What better gift than to offer an olive branch by being the first to reach across the divide and ask, “What can I learn from you, and how can we tune down the noise and renew our relationship?”
Consider how this simple act could infuse harmony into the world.
As we approach the winter solstice, it is timely to consider how we can illuminate these darkest days of the year. As we consider giving to others during this season or throughout the year, know that the best gift of all doesn't come in a gift bag but through words that bestow kindness, forgiveness, and understanding.
References
Galak, J., Givi, J., & Williams, E. F. (2016). Why Certain Gifts Are Great to Give but Not to Get. Current Directions in Psychological Science.
Holistic Nursing Practice, Volume 37, Number 1, January/February 2023, pp. 15-23(9). Facilitation of Forgiveness: Impact on Health and Well-being.
American Psychological Association, The Suprise of Reaching Out, Appreciated More Than We Think, ISSN 022-3514, 2022
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