The Science of Mating

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Grad school is a time when those so inclined tend to think seriously about romantic relationships.

Whom you partner with will have a far-reaching impact on the rest of your life.

While being completely calculating is not necessary, it is OK to have some strategy when it comes to dating.

If you are in grad school right now, odds are that you are in your late 20s or early 30s. Developmentally, this is an age when people who are generally interested in permanent monogamous relationships end up partnering up.

Who you end up being married to or permanently partnered with is one of the single most important decisions you will make and one of the best predictors of well-being and quality of life. Yet, in my many years of experience working with graduate students, I have observed that many people are far more strategic when picking advisors than when choosing who they date. Why is that?

Someone out there is probably writing their dissertation on modern dating patterns right now, but having limited space here, I will zero in on one important observation: Many Westerners don’t seem to believe that it is OK to be strategic about who they date. I say Westerners because in many other cultures, it is absolutely expected to be strategic, so please keep in mind that I am writing based on my experience practicing in the U.S. Being strategic is often associated with being at least anti-romantic, if not conniving, transactional, and cold.

Now, asking someone for a CV before you agree to date them is so strident in Western culture that it would not sit well with many, including myself. But this is not what I am suggesting. What I am suggesting is that it is important to consider how the person you are with might fit into the life that you hope to have, and if they do not fit into it, understand........

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