When my marriage ended, I made a quiet vow to myself.

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Not that we’d stay best friends.

Not that it would be easy.

But that we would treat each other with respect — and, if possible one day, with kindness.

I met my ex when we were both 23. We married in our early 30s and had two children, just a year apart. Like many couples who meet young, we grew up together — and then, slowly, we grew apart. The pressure of raising two babies so close in age took its toll, and despite trying everything to save the relationship — therapy, weekends away, even sex therapy — we couldn’t get the connection back.

What crept in instead was resentment. We were snappy, short with each other, and petty arguments spilled out in front of the kids. We were both miserable.

Both of us came from divorced families marked by deep hostility. We’d seen first-hand how damaging it is for children to be caught between parents locked in resentment and blame, so when we decided to separate, painful as it was, it also felt like a chance to do things differently.

I remember saying to him: We owe our kids better than hostility. We can do this.

At that point, I didn’t really like him. Everything he did irritated me. But liking each other wasn’t the goal — protecting our children was.

We’d built our dream home, but couldn’t afford to keep it. Just as we were about to sell, Covid hit, and we found ourselves stuck under the same roof, trying to separate while homeschooling through a global crisis. To add to the absurdity, our divorce was rejected by a judge for being “too amicable” — this was before no-fault divorce.

Eventually, the house sold and we bought smaller places around the corner from one another. We agreed on a week-on, week-off parenting schedule, which gave us both space to grieve, reset and slowly find ourselves again. Divorce is painful even when it’s amicable — sometimes especially so.

What made the biggest difference was flexibility. If one of us needed a break or a swap, we found a solution. We chose not to nit-pick each other’s parenting or keep score. The more we did that, the more trust grew.

A few years later, the children asked — again — for a dog. I hesitated, then raised it with my ex. His answer was immediate: The dog goes where the kids go.

So now we share a cockerpoo called Penny, who moves between homes with the children. It’s a small arrangement, but it says everything about how we work.

That trust extended further than co-parenting. When my business partner and I needed a last-minute investor for a property purchase, I didn’t hesitate. Going into business with my ex has been smooth — we know each other, trust each other, and neither of us would jeopardise that, not least because of our children.

Today, we spend Christmases together. We host family events at each other’s homes. We show up for milestones. We’re not a couple — but we are family.

That journey changed me.

Divorce is widely recognised as the second most traumatic life event after bereavement. For six months, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I’d given up my career years earlier, so when the marriage ended it wasn’t just the relationship that disappeared — it was my sense of stability. I remember crying down the phone to my solicitor, overwhelmed and panicking.

That experience led me to retrain as a divorce coach alongside my work as a property developer, and to create Divorce SOS — a handbook and app designed to support people through the emotional and practical reality of separation.

Because an amicable divorce isn’t something you decide to have.

It’s something you build — slowly, imperfectly, and with patience.

And sometimes, it leads to a family that still works — just differently.

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Camille Toscano is an accredited Divorce and Break up Coach, author of the Divorce SOS Handbook, a supportive guide for those navigating the early stages of separation. She is also the creator of the Divorce SOS app, which provides structured support and tools that can be used throughout each stage of divorce. For more information www.divorcesoshandbook.com

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