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Congratulations! As a regular and trusted reader of this column you have been chosen to complete a short customer satisfaction survey to help us improve your reading experience! This multiple choice questionnaire won't take long! Your feedback is extremely valuable!
Did you enjoy the opening paragraph of this column?
A: Satirical genius at work!
B: Where's the cash prize for answering yet another bloody survey?
C: Pathetic attempt at lampooning companies seriously trying to improve their customer service.
In your opinion, have customer satisfaction surveys reached epidemic proportions and do you think they represent a wider obsession in society for feedback?
A: Yes. Everyone wants a rating! Restaurants survey diners before dessert is served. Hotels demand ratings before we've climbed out of their overpriced beds. Yesterday the postie asked me to score, from 1 to 10 (with 10 being the deepest), the gouge marks his motorbike left on my wet nature strip.
B: Maybe. I'm not the sort of person you appear to be referring to who constantly seeks praise and validation. But when you have the time could you write to me personally and, in 25 words or less, rate my responses to this survey? Please be constructive and highlight the positives.
C: Absolutely not. I filled out a Qantas survey a few years ago and suggested it stop its nauseating obsession with customers, end its brand infatuation and pay less attention to minor details like departure times and delivering people's baggage. Don't dare tell me constructive feedback isn't valuable.
Research suggests the public is experiencing "survey fatigue". Are you nostalgic for the days when life didn't involve constant reviews?
A: Yes! My children awarded me a '3' for their Christmas presents and scribbled 'Try Harder' in the 'Additional Comments' section.
B: Maybe. I am still waiting for your 25-words-or-less response to my answers to this survey. Please hurry. Just remember - and I can't emphasise this strongly enough - I am not the sort of person who constantly seeks feedback and praise from others.
C: Absolutely not. Elon Musk surveyed me a year ago questioning how he could quickly lose $40 billion for tax and egotistical reasons. He recently wrote back saying he greatly appreciated my modest suggestion about the investment potential of Twitter.
Studies have found Australians spent 96.5 million hours on hold with customer service departments in 2022, with telecommunications companies ranked the worst. With no hint of improvement, does this suggest customer surveys are a waste of time?
A: Yes. I know a young man who was put on hold with Telstra's customer service department. He was still waiting for someone to answer when he died tragically last week. Of old age.
B: No. Optus acted quickly and decisively last year when I recommended it stop investing in unnecessary infrastructure and repair teams and to just forget about the odd outage.
C: I have absolute confidence that CEOs who have sacked customer support staff in order to obtain their well-deserved bonuses will use survey results to improve lengthy call waiting times. Soon. At the appropriate point in time. When business conditions permit.
How much time do you spend answering/deleting customer surveys?
A: Answering? None. Deleting? All day.
B: I have a dozen customer surveys to complete before I finish my morning coffee, including a questionnaire from my barista demanding I rate the cute leaf patterns he creates on my cappuccino froth.
C: I always respond because I know businesses respect my opinions and promptly act on them. Which is why I anticipate the ABC returning to its glory days very soon - before it was taken over by communists, vegans and climate change believers.
Do you expect our obsession with customer satisfaction surveys to end any time soon?
A: Unlikely. A neighbour driving past me yesterday gave way to me. I acknowledged his polite move by winking and raising my finger. He texted me a few minutes later saying he could only give me a '4' because he believed his gesture warranted full applause, or at least an excitable wave of my hand.
B: Don't care. I just want you to stop asking for more ideas for your column. It's your business. Get on with it.
C: Absolutely not. The Commonwealth Bank only emailed me this morning to express its gratitude over my long-running suggestions to close down its ATMs. It said the move had been warmly welcomed, particularly in rural areas with ageing populations because it had motivated the elderly to exercise and walk to the next town.
HAVE YOUR SAY: A: Do you fill out customer satisfaction surveys? B: Has a business ever responded to your suggestions or criticisms? C: Is the old notion that the customer is always right no longer relevant in today's world? D: Other. Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
SHARE THE LOVE: If you enjoy The Echidna, forward it to a friend so they can sign up, too.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
- One of Australia's biggest retailers has confirmed plans to scrap Australia Day merchandise before January 26. Woolworths and Big W plan to drop Australia Day merchandise, citing a decline in sales over recent years.
- Widespread civil disorder, violence and looting in Papua New Guinea capital Port Moresby has prompted a travel warning for Australians. A peaceful demonstration held outside parliament over a public servant payroll issue allegedly spiralled into chaos on January 10 leading to looting and arson in shops and businesses.
- One of Australia's oldest rail lines is back in action after two crashes and one fatality in the space of a week brought trains to a standstill. The heritage Cockle Train collided with a car at Goolwa, south of Adelaide just before 4.30pm on Wednesday. The crash came less than a week after the train, being hauled by a steam locomotive, fatally struck an elderly tourist at Hayborough Beach, just north of Victor Harbor.
THEY SAID IT: "Customer satisfaction is worthless. Customer loyalty is priceless." - Jeffrey Gitomer, author
YOU SAID IT: Not all old technology is bad, Steve argued, in fact some does the job better than new fangled devices.
"We are retired and have iPhones and iPads etc but for organising our lives - appointments, holidays, events, birthdays etc - we stick to the good old A4 size month-to-a-page paper calendar," writes Derek. "It is so much easier to look at a whole month at a glance than to scan through an iPhone calendar on a day-to-day basis to see what is happening over a week or two."
Pauline says there's a good reason to use your phone to pay for things. "Don't we clutch a phone all the time anyway? I do now because the mobile phone frees me from hauling around a hand/shoulder or tote bag to carry credit, loyalty and membership cards, maps, address book, bank statements, diary, notebook, camera, coin purse, pens. I walk out into the world with a mobile phone and car keys. Bliss!"
Jennifer writes: "My small paper diary is essential to my life. It's there open every morning with all the plans for the day. I don't have to turn it on, wait for it to load or charge. It's instant and it always works. I use it to think carefully before making commitments. That gives me time to decide what works best for me, rather than agreeing and later wishing I'd not."
Garry Linnell is one of Australia’s most experienced journalists. He has won several awards for his writing, including a Walkley for best feature writing. He writes a weekly column for ACM and the Echidna.
Garry Linnell is one of Australia’s most experienced journalists. He has won several awards for his writing, including a Walkley for best feature writing. He writes a weekly column for ACM and the Echidna.
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