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My wife has called me plenty of things over the years. But one name has stuck. "Meet my husband," she often says with a not-so-discreet roll of her eyes. "We call him The Duck."
My wife was a baby in the late 1960s when her family joined thousands of others escaping the poverty of southern Italy by emigrating to Australia. A few years later they welcomed their first pet, a duck they named Quacky.
Most nights after dinner in their adopted country the family embarked on La Passeggiata, the traditional evening stroll around the neighbourhood that, along with the maniacal waving of hands when speaking, is hard-wired into Italians. Quacky would waddle contentedly alongside them.
But not for long. He quickly grew agitated. How he hated unfamiliar surroundings. By the time the family reached the end of the street that duck would be sprinting furiously, wings out, head down and honking loudly as he made a frantic dash back to the front gate and the security of home.
How that duck made them laugh! Such a homebody! My wife's family loved him so much. Half a century later they still recall with fondness the day their grandmother abruptly twisted Quacky's neck, plucked his plump body and turned him into a delicious pasta sauce. So tasty. So filling. So fortunate, too, that they raised a duck instead of a dog.
It only takes a few days when overseas for my wife to roll her eyes and mutter "quack, quack" under her breath. This Duck gets restless quickly. His fingers drum impatiently on steering wheels of hire cars. His bum squirms on foreign train seats. His eyes glaze as tour guides mumble about another set of ruins easily mistaken for a rock garden.
The Duck prefers to be home. That compelling urge to travel the globe and experience its wonders has faded. It's not that The Duck has grown old and jaded. He's seen a bit of the world. But he wonders why going overseas remains such a big deal these days when the rest - and the best - of the world came to us years ago.
Travelling was once regarded as a rite of passage, enriching the mind and offering salvation to those desperate to escape our shores because they couldn't stomach the smallness of our vast place, its bland culture or another white bread sandwich with Devon and tomato sauce.
You'd think we were still stuck in that era listening to this week's annual Australia Day debate. Fuelled by the petty rock-throwing and squalid dog whistling of the latest crop of inept politicians (and boosted by a complicit media desperate to ignite another superficial culture war) this Australia Day weekend has magnified the worst of us instead of the best.
It took Australia's cricket captain Pat Cummins to put some perspective on the issue this week. If the date is so problematic to so many, he asked, and if it continues to be such a divisive issue, why not simply change the date?
Well, why not do away with it completely? Isn't living in this country cause enough for celebration?
I happily cop being dubbed The Duck because, probably like many of you, I haven't experienced enough of this country. I want to stay home so I can savour more of it.
I've staggered along Italy's supposedly picturesque beaches trying to stem the blood from a toe stubbed on another jagged rock when I'd rather be home on a real beach where a Lebanese family is barbecuing koftas while a nearby Greek clan feasts on a banquet of spiced meats and salads just as a Vietnamese-born fisherman plucks another flathead from the water for his dinner and waves to his Turkish-born mate who is chatting in the shallows with his Sri Lankan friend.
I'd rather be home peering at art inked on cave walls more than 60,000 years ago by the world's oldest continuing culture than huddle sardine-like in the Louvre squinting at paintings reproduced on endless postcards.
I'd rather be home in one of the safest and most prosperous nations on earth, in the same way my wife's family and more than seven million others chose to since the end of World War II.
But let's not get too misty-eyed. As this week's Australia Day debate proved again, we're hardly a dickhead-free zone. If that were true we would have razed Parliament House years ago. But come on. We don't even need Australia Day. Getting to call this place home is surely enough.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Change the date of Australia Day, keep it or scrap it? Do we underplay the beauty of our own country? Do you hail from a family that emigrated to Australia? Have you chosen to explore this country rather than travel overseas? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
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IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
- The consumer watchdog will carry out an inquiry on supermarket prices, examining whether consumers are paying too much at the checkout. In a speech to the National Press Club, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese announced Treasurer Jim Chalmers would direct the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission to conduct a year-long probe into the supermarket industry.
- A fire safety risk has been identified in more than 200 new electric vehicles, with Audi recalling the model for urgent repairs. The federal transport department issued a recall for the Audi e-Tron GT vehicles due to a safety issue involving their battery housing.
- Artificial-intelligence technology is being used to produce realistic, degrading and offensive content of children as more families report online bullying. Parents are being asked to talk to their kids about online safety and treating others with respect ahead of the return to school amid a 40 per cent rise in cyber bullying reports to Australia's online safety regulator.
THEY SAID IT: "I think Australians have just a little more taste than most people." - Neil Diamond
YOU SAID IT: A gremlin got into the burrow yesterday as Louie the fly eavesdropped on the hand-wringing over the new ABC chair. The previous day's question about the long summer break enjoyed by pollies somehow stuck around.
Four of you sensed something was up and chimed in on the ABC regardless.
"Doesn't matter who is appointed as the head of our ABC," wrote Bob. "He/she will have no impact. The ABC is supposed to be unbiased, but it's really run by the lefty staff. Must be among the must-have criteria for getting a job there. Complained about its pre-election bias once. Took four months to get a 'nothing to see here' response. Q+A did it for me. Lefty moderator, lefty panel, lefty audience and lefty questions. And all with taxpayer money. It should be privatised, or at the very least get a CEO with a wide broom."
Bede questioned Louie's reporting: "There is no way a teenager would insert an apostrophe (or either of the correctly positioned commas) into his speech, as in 'Nah, mate, don't give a rats'."
Judith gives Kim Williams the thumbs up: "A very nice clarinet playing boy who went to my co-ed public high school back in the day. He was mentored by the wonderful Richard Gill (music educator and conductor). I had just about given up on the ABC (thank goodness The Drum has finished) but am now cautiously optimistic that Kim will do good. Makes my public school heart grow proud."
Ian wrote: "It seems Louie the fly has got to The Echidna. After reporting on Louie's eavesdropping about the new ABC boss, something went wrong and The Echidna posed the same question to its readers as the day before about politicians. No question about Kim Williams or opportunity to bag New Corp and/or the ABC. A cynical person would think this is a media conspiracy to avoid scrutiny, but a more realistic person might say it's just bug in the system! After all, nobody's perfect."
Garry Linnell is one of Australia’s most experienced journalists. He has won several awards for his writing, including a Walkley for best feature writing. He writes a weekly column for ACM and the Echidna.
Garry Linnell is one of Australia’s most experienced journalists. He has won several awards for his writing, including a Walkley for best feature writing. He writes a weekly column for ACM and the Echidna.
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