Sooner or later, every new relationship experiences conflict. Frequently, after a honeymoon period of smooth sailing and cheery Instagram photos, something about this person starts to irk you.
Do you hang in there, or do you call it quits?
Here’s the perfect moment to hit the pause button. What you do next determines whether your new relationship thrives or dies.
Conflict with your new partner isn’t necessarily a sign of something wrong. As you get closer and more intimate, it’s natural to experience irritation or disappointment. New relationships are fraught with expectations, projections, and distortions. In other words, you may not see the person in front of you; you may see the person you want to see.
As emotional intimacy develops, projections and distortions soon dissipate, and your expectations are challenged. You may be surprised to discover traits you don’t like in your new relationship. Perhaps your partner has a short fuse and is quick to anger. Maybe they are messy, their bedroom looks like a crime scene, or they are terrible with their finances.
You may find these traits annoying and not what you signed up for. Still, you’ll likely avoid addressing them directly. What stops you from speaking up? There are many misguided fear-based beliefs about expressing frustration in relationships. Among the most popular are these:
Expressing my frustration will
For these reasons, you may choose to ignore or bury your frustration. That may work for a while, but don’t kid yourself: Unprocessed frustration eventually becomes toxic and will end badly for everyone.
Of course, you could avoid voicing your frustration entirely by calling it quits. But here’s the thing: You cannot build sustainable intimacy until you learn to resolve frustration and conflict lovingly.
Compassionate conflict skills are essential in my weekly therapy groups because they enable you to express frustration in a way that enhances closeness and intimacy. When you learn to address conflict without fear, you’ll no longer have to swallow your frustration or suffer in silence, and your partner won’t have to wonder what’s gotten into you. You’re also less likely to explode in anger or trigger an angry response in your partner.
In other words, addressing conflict compassionately is a win for both of you. It brings clarity and authenticity to your relationship, which is essential to building trust.
Addressing conflict successfully comes down to communication. Next time you’re frustrated in your relationship, consider these guidelines:
1. Lead with positive affirmations.
Rather than hit your partner with harsh complaints or criticisms, tell them what they’re doing right. Open with positive affirmations and then gently voice your concern. For example:
Address your frustration with kindness and give your partner a chance to respond. Rather than irritation, people often report feeling care and affection in such communications.
2. Take responsibility for your feelings.
You bring your history into every relationship. You have triggers. Sometimes, you may let these triggers control you and cause you to make choices you regret later.
Understanding yourself, your needs, and your history leads to healthier relationships. Rather than blaming your partner for your feelings, start by taking responsibility for them. For example:
3. Practice patience.
Yes, you’re irritated. Yes, you want your needs met. However, impulsivity and impatience do much damage to new relationships. Take a moment. Give your partner a chance to respond. Don’t be defensive; don’t blame or educate. Be patient. Let them have their say before you respond.
4. Listen attentively.
Listening is loving. Give your full attention to your partner, try to see things from their perspective, and understand that they have issues from their history and triggers, too. When people feel heard and respected, they are less defensive, more open to influence, and less combative.
5. Respond authentically.
People tend to withhold their true feelings, especially in new relationships. They may perform “carefree,” “easygoing,” or “laid-back,” all while storing away frustration and irritation that eventually will boil over.
Do your best to be honest and direct. The real you is more attractive than an inauthentic version. Of course, many other skills are needed to create healthy relationships, such as good boundaries and open communication. Group therapy is the best choice for learning how to turn the rocking waters of relationships into smooth sailing. On that journey, compassionate conflict skills are an essential tool that will never let you down.
5 Compassionate Conflict Skills That Can Save Your Relationship
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15.04.2024
Sooner or later, every new relationship experiences conflict. Frequently, after a honeymoon period of smooth sailing and cheery Instagram photos, something about this person starts to irk you.
Do you hang in there, or do you call it quits?
Here’s the perfect moment to hit the pause button. What you do next determines whether your new relationship thrives or dies.
Conflict with your new partner isn’t necessarily a sign of something wrong. As you get closer and more intimate, it’s natural to experience irritation or disappointment. New relationships are fraught with expectations, projections, and distortions. In other words, you may not see the person in front of you; you may see the person you want to see.
As emotional intimacy develops, projections and distortions soon dissipate, and your expectations are challenged. You may be surprised to discover traits you don’t like in your new relationship. Perhaps your partner has a short fuse and is quick to anger. Maybe they are messy, their bedroom looks like a crime scene, or they are terrible with their finances.
You may find these traits annoying and not what you signed up for. Still,........
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