Manipulation is simply a strategy. All people use that strategy to get what they need when straightforward and authentic communication doesn’t work. Even children learn very early in life what behaviors and timing they can best use to get what they need from their parents when direct asking doesn’t get them what they want. It is a form of learned, subtle social wisdom meant to oil the gears of interpersonal interaction.

Manipulation is not necessarily harmful when it is used to avoid turmoil in a relationship. Many people have confessed to me how they use strategic behaviors to help their interactions be more successful, and I’ve never witnessed a relationship where some form of manipulation is not in play. In fact, some partners have told me that they are well aware of the other’s strategy and even appreciate it.

Sadly, manipulation can turn dark and become exploitation, the use of deception to mold and control another’s response for the benefit of the manipulator at the other’s expense. The classic movie Gaslight exemplifies manipulation as exploitation, and the word itself has become a colloquialism for any behavior that intentionally destroys another’s reality to make them easier to control.

To avoid ever slipping from helpful manipulation to exploitation, both partners in a committed relationship need to be aware........

© Psychology Today