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"The 5 Love Languages" can be a positive resource for couples, but is often misunderstood.

Having the same love languages isn't necessary.

Having the same love languages doesn't increase compatibility.

Many couples are wild about the book, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. With good reason: It can be a useful resource for couples wanting to learn what it takes to feel loved in relationships, as it can help to explain why some expressions of love connect with a partner while others fall flat. But among the couples who attend my intensives to try to mend their broken marriages, I have noticed that there are two major misunderstandings about love languages that, rather than helping to bring spouses closer, actually create more friction.

If you’re not familiar with the love languages framework, here is a brief summary of the theory: Every individual has a unique way of feeling loved, and no two people are exactly alike in terms of what they need and want from their partners to truly feel cherished. The trick is to learn what it takes for your partner to feel loved and do those things, even if you don’t quite understand why they feel that way—because you don’t need to. You just........

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