Recently, I asked people on my mailing list about the challenges they had in consensual non-monogamy relationships. One clear theme emerged, as multiple people wrote in saying that they wished they had had more guidance about establishing relationship agreements early in the process of opening up.

To quote one respondent:

I really wish I had more conversations early on about what CNM meant to each of us. There is no blueprint and feelings change fast, so I just wish our agreements had been more specific in each incarnation so everyone was on the same page.

I really wish I had more conversations early on about what CNM meant to each of us. There is no blueprint and feelings change fast, so I just wish our agreements had been more specific in each incarnation so everyone was on the same page.

This is so beautifully put, and so true. Once you start opening up, and other relationships start to form, everything gets more complicated, more real, and more intense. It can be hard to anticipate what will emerge for you in the process — there really is no blueprint — which is partly why I advise people to treat their first set of relationship agreements as an intentional experiment to be carefully revisited with time.

Opening up shifts the status quo, which is by definition destabilizing. It’s to be expected that it will raise big feelings, necessitate difficult conversations, and highlight opportunities for growth in your relationship. One common strategy for minimizing the emotional complexity is to come up with a bunch of agreements that theoretically might make things feel more manageable. The unfortunate truth. however, is that no set of relationship agreements can protect you from hurt. Unexpected things arise, so I firmly believe the best agreements emerge from experience. A careful and........

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