Co-authored by Jenifer Freedy
Are you the adult child of a parent who exhibits narcissism?
The term narcissism comes from Greek mythology. The legend describes Narcissus falling deeply in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to look away, Narcissus eventually falls into the water and dies.
As therapists who help adults process childhood trauma and complex family dynamics, those raised by parents with narcissistic tendencies often come to ask: What creates such an intense self-orientation in a parent?
Although researchers cite various contributing factors, we invite people to see narcissism as a personality deficit in two important, developmental areas: (1) theory of mind and (2) ego strength.
Theory of mind is a complex set of neurophysiological and social-emotional experiences that allow us to perceive ourselves, others, or the world with accuracy.1 In childhood, most of us learn to distinguish the mental states of ourselves and others, helping us recognize that others can have different experiences than us.
We come to understand that these differences are common, that we can experience empathy for others, and that our differences can be navigated without cost to our emotional integrity. In other words, theory of mind supports us in having compassion, self-awareness, and emotional insight regarding ourselves and our impact on others. This important developmental milestone also lets us engage in reparative skills after social infractions and meaningfully collaborate with others, such as our children, siblings, and parents.
Ego strength is not about having a "big" ego but, rather, about having the ability to withstand tension between emotional states.2 This is a concept of internal resiliency, and it is ego strength that allows us to hold and endure the complex aspects of different relationships. Ego strength allows us to have the following:
Relational psychoanalysts have long advocated that people develop their ego over a lifetime, but that ego strength is about breaking away from the self-absorbed thinking required in infancy for survival.
As research tells us, humans are hard-wired to self-protect when a physical, mental, or emotional threat is perceived.3 Yet, because narcissistic parents have deficits in their theory of mind and ego strength development, they (often unconsciously) perceive common relational dynamics to be threatening.
Disagreements, hearing "no," sharing, having to wait, negotiating boundaries, compromising, or considering another’s viewpoint can be experienced as intolerable, unmanageable, and unsafe. This is because parents who struggle with narcissistic tendencies often have a lot of psychological fragility. Because a complex history of trauma has interrupted their social-emotional development, these parents are typically disconnected from their own inner psychological lives. Therefore, as with any perceived threat, the narcissistic parent's brain and nervous system are immediately triggered to self-protect, often through intense behaviours called "change-back messages."4 Change-back messages are behaviour-based messages that assert to their children:
“You must never challenge me in any way. You must not have a self or any real control of your own. Change back to the way we’ve always done things—where I’m in control, where we do things my way, and where you never question my behaviour, my thinking, my perspective, my memory, or my authority.”
Narcissistic parents often send these change-back messages to their children through gaslighting techniques. These are behavioural reactions that activate from the most emotionally un-evolved parts of the brain. These techniques are used by humans as young as age 3 and can be exceedingly child-like. Gaslighting techniques may include the following:
It’s not uncommon for adult children to give themselves change-back messages toward the narcissistic parent’s regime. This self-imposed messaging can happen for two reasons:
In childhood, this hierarchy with the parent allows a child to feel safe and secure and to learn, grow, and ideally know their parent as consistent and capable. However, with narcissistic parents, their dominant familial position results primarily from the unhealthy power they demand and the change-back messages they assert.
Therefore, we hypothesize that, deep down, adult children of parents with narcissistic behaviours know that this hierarchy is actually a ruse. And, that once they decide to offer a challenge and not change back, the parent's inner weakness will finally be exposed.
Yet, this relational change for the adult child can create deep feelings of abandonment, loss, anger, and emptiness. In other words, seeing the narcissistic parent now "weakened" and vulnerable can leave the adult child feeling awkward and confused; the resulting change in the role dynamic may feel uncomfortable, wrong, and even risky. As a result, the change-back cycle might actually feel safer, creating a homeostatic impulse toward the known and familiar. Again, it can be exceedingly difficult for the child to change this relational pattern, even if it is dysfunctional. Change is hard, even if it is good change.
Adult children of parents with narcissistic behaviours do not have to suffer alone. These complex relationships often create enduring cycles of anxiety, depression, disorientation, feelings of helplessness or powerlessness, anger, exhaustion, and extensive grief.
However, trauma-responsive, attachment-focused, and more relationally oriented psychotherapies can help adult children find freedom in a parental dynamic that attempts to keep their growth stunted.
This article was co-authored with Jenifer Freedy. Jen has provided psychotherapy, counseling, and crisis intervention for more than 25 years. Jen and Mark both provide trauma-responsive psychotherapy around childhood, relational, and family-related trauma in London, Ontario, Canada.
References
1. Beaudoin, C., Leblanc, É., Gagner, C., & Beauchamp, M. H. (2020). Systematic review and inventory of theory of mind measures for young children. Frontiers in Psychology, 10.
2. Lee, J. Y., Lee, Y.-A., & Yoo, M. S. (2021). Development of the child’s ego strength scale: An observation-based assessment of the board game behaviors in play therapy in Korea. Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, 15(1).
3. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton.
4. Beck, M. (ND). The new you: Handling change-back attacks. Martha Beck's Blog.
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