Guilt and shame are felt more when one’s needs for safety and belonging have not been met.

Such self-evaluation can be harsh, leading to low self-worth.

Humans are innately concerned with the threat of being excommunicated from our social network. Evolution makes us abide by the rules of our group; otherwise, we might be thrown to the wolves. Feelings of guilt and shame come about after we think we have done something wrong, or when someone else tells us we have made a mistake. Guilt equals I did something bad, while shame equals I am something bad. Guilt is more straightforward to handle, but shame is harder, as we sometimes try to hide our shame.

According to much research, guilt and shame have pro-social characteristics. In one 2017 study from the journal Frontiers in Psychology, researchers found that guilt can encourage a person to act morally in the future. In the instance of shame, some people can become avoidant, but on the whole, they become motivated to do better.

When we feel one of these emotions, we often try to make amends, give apologies, and generally do better for others. Yet shame is more problematic because of its identity-defining feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. Cross-examination from a boss, for example, can be an entirely uncomfortable experience because the boss is in a position of power and can make the employee feel ashamed. This dynamic can result in a less fruitful and less positive work experience. Shame is an emotion often mixed with self-criticism, depression, anxiety, and other negative feelings—even anger. When a person carries shame, they can have a barren self-view. This self-evaluation can be harsh, leading to low self-worth. Negativity about the self can pervade work, intimacy, and friendships. We may require balancing this negative self-view with a more realistic take.

How a person was raised has much to do with guilt and shame. Guilt and shame are felt more when one’s needs for safety and belonging have not been met. Religiosity and culture, for example, can have an outsized effect on how we experience certain emotions. When I was younger, I did what I was told, following directives that were rooted in religion and culture. It was the only way for me to feel safe. Of course, I was also inwardly conflicted. Why is eating with the right hand important? I thought. What about left-handed people? Growing up with rules about religion can be wholly confusing and even somewhat disturbing.

A person can carry this confusion and distress well into adulthood, making the idea of letting go and finding peace within unattainable. In adulthood, as I was wising up to illogical decrees from my childhood, I thankfully rode the guilt-and-shame carousel less and less.

Countering emotions like shame, guilt, and regret can be hard, but it’s not impossible. We must be aware that we are feeling them, and knowing that we are innately biased toward negative thinking can help.

Emotions like shame and guilt percolate in the subconscious, giving a person the feeling of underlying dread and inadequacy. However, if we identify the emotion, we can better handle the emotion. Matthew Lieberman, a psychology professor at UCLA and the director of the Social Cognitive Neuroscience Lab, noted that labeling how we feel can help lessen the intensity of how we feel. Handling our emotions this way can quiet the part of the brain linked to emotional response.

We are also healthier if we can express our emotions positively. This awareness can help us deploy much-needed self-compassion. If we want a healthier self-view, validation must start with us. We need to accept ourselves as we are and start looking at our emotions differently. We have to:

Pinpoint the emotion we are feeling.

Pinpoint the emotion we are feeling.

Name the emotion and how we feel—angry and fearful, tense and upset—say it out loud or write it down.

Name the emotion and how we feel—angry and fearful, tense and upset—say it out loud or write it down.

Don’t react to it. Sit with it and get to know it, even if it is uncomfortable. Sometimes, focusing on the bodily sensations can help us be present with the discomfort of the emotion.

Don’t react to it. Sit with it and get to know it, even if it is uncomfortable. Sometimes, focusing on the bodily sensations can help us be present with the discomfort of the emotion.

We can be alert to our urge to deny and push away the emotion, whether it’s eating too many slices of chocolate cake or downing a bottle of whiskey.

We can be alert to our urge to deny and push away the emotion, whether it’s eating too many slices of chocolate cake or downing a bottle of whiskey.

Practice self-compassion by putting a hand on our chests and breathing deeply.

Practice self-compassion by putting a hand on our chests and breathing deeply.

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