Welcome back to the second part of my series on disorganized attachment. In the first article, I explored how children with anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles each have predictable strategies for trying to get their needs for emotional comfort and care met by their caregivers. Another group of children identified by early researchers as having strategies that were neither consistent nor predictable were classified as having a "disorganized attachment style.” (2)
Attachment styles aren’t set in stone and can adapt to the health of a given relationship. They can also shift with therapeutic intervention via professional help or self-help. (3) However, research is clear that attachment styles are initially formed between a child and early caregivers and that people are prone to replicating experiences from their childhoods throughout their adulthoods in ways that reinforce the attachment style they developed with early caregivers. (4) In this sense, attachment style consistency is often the path of least resistance for a given individual. According to research, children identified as having disorganized attachment were likely to carry the attachment style into adulthood. (5)
Children with disorganized attachment face a painful challenge when seeking emotional care from their caregivers. (6) Like children with anxious and avoidant attachment styles, disorganized children can’t be sure whether they will receive a positive response. They also have good reason to believe, based on experience, that their attempts to connect will be met with intensified levels (compared to the other attachment styles) of rejection, non-responsiveness, punishment, abuse, or fear-inducing tactics, all of which will leave them feeling significantly worse than the emotional loneliness which compelled them to seek connection in the first place. The parents they depend on for care and support are also a source of threat, creating a complex and distressing emotional landscape.
Disorganized children feel more than just insecure in their most important relationships; they feel unsafe. While the emotional environment of children with anxious and avoidant attachment is considered "emotionally insensitive," the emotional environment of children with disorganized attachment is considered "emotionally threatening." (6) There is a strong association between childhood physical and/or sexual trauma and disorganized attachment, but children need not be physically harmed to develop disorganized attachment. (6) Research shows that neglect, overwhelming exposure to violence between adults in the home, and emotional unsafety are also heavily associated with disorganized attachment.
All children equate emotional safety with physical safety, believing that being treated with emotional care signifies being lovable, which they unconsciously interpret as being worthy of protection from physical harm. Consequently, even chronic emotional invalidation (conveying that the child's emotions are wrong, shameful, excessive, or deserving of rejection) can distress a child enough to result in disorganized attachment. (8) This can create a particular challenge for adults struggling with disorganized attachment who are unable to pinpoint anything in their childhood that was obviously abusive.
Parents of children with disorganized attachment commonly share a key factor: unresolved grief and trauma from their own past experiences, which manifests as any block to their ability to provide sufficient emotional support to their children. (9) While not all parents with unresolved issues will parent in a way that creates disorganized attachment in their children, it’s essential to recognize that any unresolved trauma or high stress a parent struggles with can play a significant role.
Children with disorganized attachment experience heightened levels of anxiety, surpassing those with anxious and avoidant attachment. Their craving for emotional fulfillment without having a way to achieve it leads to a persistent state of yearning that keeps their nervous system in a chronic state of agitation. (6) Alongside this yearning, they grapple with feelings of deprivation and grief and must face these feelings alone. (5) Without support, they feel emotionally isolated, intensifying their struggle beyond the original pain. The longer this pattern continues, the more reasons they accumulate to believe that others cannot be trusted to be emotionally safe and available, and that relationships require a constant choice between loneliness and emotional hurt.
During moments of overwhelming stress, children with disorganized attachment are prone to losing themselves to uncontrollable emotional outbursts. Psychologists refer to this nervous system breakdown as “emotional dysregulation,” and while most young children experience dysregulation as a normal part of their development, disorganized children continue getting dysregulated even as they get older. (10)
Some disorganized children will cope with overwhelming emotions by suppressing them to the extent that they aren’t apparent to others or even to themselves. While they may appear “flat” on the outside, on the inside, they are expending significant psychic energy to prevent themselves from emotionally dysregulating. (11)
These coping strategies demand significant energy and are likely to impede their social, emotional, and/or educational development. When these areas of development are hindered, children with disorganized attachment run a high risk of encountering even more challenges in life, compounding existing problems. (5)
As mentioned earlier, there is a correlation between children with disorganized attachment and one or both parents harboring unresolved grief or trauma from their past. Given that intergenerational trauma often manifests in the most subtle of ways, it is impossible to outline all the factors that can tip a child toward a disorganized attachment style. Additionally, it’s important to acknowledge that some children with abusive or neglectful parents do not develop disorganized attachment. Children exist within an environment beyond their home, wherein the presence of supportive extended family members or a safe community can positively impact their self-views and emotional coping mechanisms.
A core principle of attachment theory emphasizes that children thrive when they have a "safe haven” to retreat to amidst life's external challenges. For a child with a strained family life, this could be provided by a loving grandparent, faith community, school system, or anywhere they have exposure to emotional safety and healthy boundaries. These environments won’t be enough to eliminate the effects of a threatening home life, but they can provide comfort, and plant seeds of awareness that they are worthy of care and that safe people do exist.
Lastly, disorganized attachment falls on a spectrum. The environmental factors which contribute to its development also range on a spectrum. Most individuals have childhood experiences that defy simple categorization as either "good" or "bad,” and it’s important not to oversimplify our childhoods in such terms. Instead, reflecting on what aspects went well and what didn't, understanding the ongoing impact of our past experiences on our present life, and identifying areas for growth are essential steps. Fortunately, there is much hope for healing.
If you’re reading this article and relating to the information from the perspective of a parent and recognizing these patterns in your own behaviors, all is not lost. Attachment styles are malleable, and you can learn how to create the necessary shifts (including doing your own self-work) to create the type of safe environment that fosters your child’s growth toward secure attachment. For more guidance on parenting with emotional safety, I highly recommend the work of Gabor Mate, particularly his book Scattered Minds.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
(1) Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Strange Situation Procedure (SSP) [Database record]. APA PsycTests.
(2) Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation.
(3) Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. The Guilford Press.
(4) Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2008). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
(5) Paetzold RL, Rholes WS. The Link from Child Abuse to Dissociation: The Roles of Adult Disorganized Attachment, Self-Concept Clarity, and Reflective Functioning. J Trauma Dissociation. 2021 Oct-Dec;22(5):615-635.
(6) Main, M., & Hesse, E. (1990). Parents' unresolved traumatic experiences are related to infant disorganized attachment status: Is frightened and/or frightening parental behavior the linking mechanism? In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 161–182). The University of Chicago Press.
(8) Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Publications.
(10) Fonagy, P., Target, M., Gergely, G., Allen, J. G., & Bateman, A. W. (2003). The developmental roots of borderline personality disorder in early attachment relationships: A theory and some evidence. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 23(3), 412–459.
(11) Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (1999). Attachment disorganization: Unresolved loss, relational violence, and lapses in behavioral and attentional strategies. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (pp. 520–554). The Guilford Press.
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