Katie comes into my office frustrated with herself: “I can’t believe I am in this situation. I vowed never to expose my kids to the kind of conflict I grew up with, and here I am. I hate myself.” This kind of thinking is quite common in difficult marriages. Not only did the people involved likely suffer as kids at the hands of their own parents’ conflict, but they also feel guilt and shame that, despite knowing better, they are enacting similar behaviors in adulthood.

In fact, studies show that experiencing marital conflict as a child makes people more vulnerable to conflict in their adult romantic relationships and can decrease relationship quality.

The intergenerational transmission of marital conflict means that when you grow up in a house with parents who do not have the skills to manage disagreements effectively, you absorb those same ways of managing conflict in adulthood. Even though a part of you gets it and knows that you don’t actually want to act like your parents, these patterns often play out........

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