Do you often find yourself exploding with frustration over your child's behavior?
Many parents have said things to me like:
“Why do I feel so triggered by my child's behavior?”
“When will my child grow out of this behavior that drives me up the wall?”
“Nobody can say I yell as much as my Mom did, but why can’t I stop doing it?!”
Wondering why you can't stay calm in those challenging moments? You're not alone. Many parents share similar struggles, feeling triggered by their children's actions. Those triggered reactions aren't your fault, but they are your responsibility. You’re the only person who can change them. Let’s explore the real reasons behind these feelings and how to navigate them more effectively.
You might think your child's behavior is to blame for your triggered feelings. If they would stop doing the thing you find triggering, everything would be better! But it's not that simple.
Often, these reactions are linked to traumatic experiences that haven't been healed. These old wounds resurface when your child's actions remind you of events from your past you may have tried to forget.
Trauma responses don't always follow a clear pattern. Some people bounce back from significant trauma, while others are deeply affected by what might seem like smaller events. If you’ve had experiences that felt traumatic to you, you might find yourself constantly feeling stressed for ‘no reason.’ Then, when your child acts up, it can push you over the edge.
Everywhere you look, society sends messages that parenting is a constant struggle. TV shows, movies, and magazines paint a picture of parents barely keeping it together, always on edge and frustrated. It doesn't have to be like this.
Once you understand why you're triggered, you can start to heal so you can parent the way you want. You don't have to walk on eggshells all the time. You can create a loving environment for your child and build a healthier relationship.
Looking back on my own life, I've found that my triggers as a parent often go back to my childhood, especially my relationship with my dad. He would lecture me about my perceived failings, and I wasn’t permitted to give my side—so I would pretend I was somewhere else. Years later, I would explode if my husband interrupted me, and one day, when I accidentally did it to my toddler, she shouted: “Don’t interrupt me!”
It wasn't until I discussed this with an expert on intergenerational trauma that I saw where my triggers came from and could begin to heal. Now, I’m still irritated when my husband interrupts me—but I no longer explode.
Information is an important part of healing from our difficult experiences, but often, knowledge alone isn’t enough. (If you’ve read all the parenting books that say "connect first," seen all the script-alternative memes on Instagram, and your therapist has told you to pause before you react but you still can’t stop yelling at your kids, you already know this). Information is necessary, but not enough.
When we process that information with others, we defuse the shame we feel about our difficult interactions with our children. When we see we’re not the only ones who are struggling like this, we find space for self-compassion—which then helps us to change our behavior.
Our triggered feelings can come from a variety of sources. Here’s a non-exhaustive list:
Yelling (or walking away, or shutting down) at our children comes from one of two paths. The first is that we tend to do what our parents modeled for us in childhood. If your parent yelled at you for making a mistake, you might find yourself yelling whenever your child makes a mistake.
The second is that when we had difficult experiences, especially when we were young, we developed coping mechanisms to help us. Maybe we yelled back, or walked away, or froze—and we continued to use whatever method kept us safe later in life. We aren’t in that situation anymore, but our brains haven’t caught up. We still perceive any threat as being like the unsafe situation from our childhood and react accordingly.
Understanding the root causes of your unique triggers is the first step to healing yourself and your relationship with your children. It's not about blaming yourself; it's about breaking free from old patterns that aren’t serving you anymore.
The next step is to process your learning in community with others. You could work with a therapist, a friend, or a community of parents who share your values and who are all on similar journeys. This healing, along with new tools to help you meet your needs more of the time, may help you feel triggered less often. Then you’ll be in a space where connected relationships with your children, even on the most difficult days, is possible.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Want to know more of the childhood experiences that can lead to triggered feelings? Download the free Guide: The Real Reasons You Feel Triggered By Your Child’s Behavior
Join a free live masterclass: Why You’re So Angry With Your Child’s Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It
Josefowitz, N. (2021, March 8). 3 Steps to Identify What Triggers You. CBT Made Simple. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cbt-made-simple/202103/3-steps-identify-what-triggers-you
Lumanlan, J. (2023, November 17). How to Meet Your Child's Needs, and Your Own. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-beyond-power/202311/how-to-meet-your-childs-needs-and-your-own
Lumanlan, J. (2023, January 29). How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond [Audio podcast episode]. Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Retrieved from https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/discomfortable/
Lumanlan, J. (2021, August 1). SYPM 014: The power of healing in community [Audio podcast episode]. Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Retrieved from https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/healingincommunity/
Lumanlan, J. (2020, October 18). Self-Compassion for Parents [Audio podcast episode]. Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Retrieved from https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/selfcompassion/
Lumanlan, J. (Host). (2018, July 22). Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma [Audio podcast episode]. In Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Retrieved from https://yourparentingmojo.com/intergenerationaltrauma/
Markham, L. (2020, September 1). How Triggers From Your Childhood Shape Your Parenting. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/202009/how-triggers-your-childhood-shape-your-parenting
Nissim-Matheis, L. (2019, October 10). Parenting From Our Childhood Wounds: How to avoid parenting from a triggered place. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/special-matters/201910/parenting-our-childhood-wounds
Orloff, J. (2019, February 5). 5 Techniques to Heal Your Emotional Triggers. The Empath's Survival Guide. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201902/5-techniques-heal-your-emotional-triggers
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