My daughter refused to eat dinner after I cooked a meal she had liked just last week, and I felt really mad.
But wait; did I? It was more than irritation, and there was some frustration, but I wasn't that angry. Did it really matter if I could name exactly what I was feeling?
Then I wondered about my child and her frustration when she can’t seem to express what’s going on inside her. It could be feeling pure joy after a playground win or mixed emotions before a friend's party.
Supporting kids in growing emotional intelligence, especially emotional granularity, is crucial. Emotional granularity is the ability to express feelings accurately with words. This skill can greatly improve how kids cope with life's challenges.
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett reminds us that children aren't born with an innate understanding of emotions. Instead, they learn these concepts gradually, often through interactions with caregivers. This learning process continues throughout life. Our brains constantly integrate past experiences to form new understandings—and parents can support this process.
My own experience with emotional complexity highlights the importance of this skill. When my child's actions stirred up various emotions, I noticed my limited emotional vocabulary and realized it was important for me to develop my own emotional intelligence as well.
Emotional granularity is crucial for children as it enhances emotional understanding, aiding in better communication with parents, teachers, and caregivers, as highlighted by Barrett's research. This development of a diverse emotional vocabulary not only reduces stress levels but also promotes emotional regulation and lowers the risk of harmful behaviors. Additionally, it contributes to improved mental well-being by reducing rates of depression and social anxiety in children.
Fostering emotional granularity in kids helps parents and children connect better. It creates a supportive environment where kids feel valued and heard.
Many kids struggle with expressing emotions beyond "happy," "sad," and "mad." This makes it tough for parents to grasp and help them navigate through this challenge.
When kids can't explain their feelings, parents may find it hard to help. This can strain their relationship. A limited emotional vocabulary may also impede children's ability to regulate their emotions and implement effective coping strategies.
It’s easy to get started helping kids to understand and articulate their feelings. Here are some practical strategies to try:
1. Use a feelings list.
A feelings list is a practical tool for children to grow their emotional vocabulary. These lists help kids (and adults!) name and understand their feelings better. They categorize emotions and give examples for clarity. Printable versions, including picture-based options for young children, are readily available. They can be displayed on the fridge for convenient reference. A young child who is too overwhelmed, frustrated, or angry to express these feelings in words may well be able to express them by pointing to a picture.
Incorporating emotion words into daily conversations helps normalize emotional expression. It encourages children to communicate their feelings more effectively. This familiarity equips children to express their inner experiences with confidence and clarity.
2. Engage in open dialogues about feelings.
Talking about feelings should be normal. Ask about emotions in all situations. For example, if your child is upset because a friend didn't play, ask, "How do you feel?" or "Why do you feel this way?" If they don’t respond, you can hypothesize: “I’m wondering if you’re feeling upset?” "Do you feel frustrated or angry right now?”
When your child is energetic before going out, ask, "Are you feeling excited, enthusiastic, or both?" Your child may not grasp it immediately, but using these words often can help them remember and use them in future conversations.
Encourage them to express their emotions, whether through words or drawings. Avoid gendered stereotypes by encouraging open discussions about feelings with all children. Validate their emotions and create a safe environment for them to express themselves. This way you can foster emotional understanding and effective communication skills.
3. Use “I feel happy” rather than “I’m happy.”
Children often think that emotions last a really long time. If you doubt this, next time your child becomes re-regulated after a difficult situation, ask how long they think they felt angry. They will usually guess a very long time—maybe even hours.
Using “I feel…” rather than “I am…” helps children to see that it’s normal for feelings to come and go—which may help them to weather emotional storms more effectively.
4. Explore emotions through stories.
Instead of just reading bedtime stories straight through, use them as a tool to explore emotions with your child. Pause at key moments in the story and ask questions like, "How do you think the character feels right now?" or "Why do you think they're feeling this way?" Engage in discussions to boost language skills and emotional intelligence. Offer valuable opportunities for emotional growth and learning.
By incorporating these strategies into your parenting approach, you can support your child in developing greater emotional granularity. Emotional intelligence is a lifelong skill that requires practice and ongoing support. By helping your child understand and talk about their feelings, you're giving them important skills to manage their emotions and have better relationships with you now—and far into the future.
References
Your Parenting Mojo. (2024). Feelings list.
Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. APA PsycNet. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-26294-000
Chen, A. (2017, April 11). Understanding Emotions: An Interview with Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett. The Verge.
Ip, K. I., Yu, K., & Gendron, M. (2023). Emotion Granularity, Regulation, and Their Implications in Health: Broadening the Scope from a Cultural and Developmental Perspective. Emotion Review, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/17540739231214564
Kashdan, T. B., Barrett, L. F., & McKnight, P. E. (2015). Unpacking Emotion Differentiation: Transforming Unpleasant Experience by Perceiving Distinctions in Negativity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(1), 10–16. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721414550708
McCoy, K. (2023, October 10). The Importance of Expanding Your Emotional Vocabulary. Psychology Today.
Psychology Today Contributors. (2024, March 5). The Power of Emotional Intelligence. Psychology Today.
Streubel, B., Gunzenhauser, C., Grosse, G., & Saalbach, H. (2020). Emotion-specific vocabulary and its contribution to emotion understanding in 4- to 9-year-old children. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 193, 104790. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2020.104790
Tan, T. Y., Wachsmuth, L., & Tugade, M. M. (2022). Emotional Nuance: Examining Positive Emotional Granularity and Well-Being. Frontiers in Psychology, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.715966
Widen, S. C., & Russell, J. A. (2003). A closer look at preschoolers' freely produced labels for facial expressions. Developmental Psychology, 39(1), 114–128. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.39.1.114
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