I personally never understood people who came into counseling because they “fight all the time.” Fight? Like with fisticuffs? Do they hit each other? Throw things? With words like “I hate you!”?

Do people who spend a great deal of time together disagree about anything? Undoubtedly. Something like “That was a great movie on Netflix” “Really, I was bored to tears.” But do they then name-call or yell or hit one another? Not if they are grown-ups.

Let’s look at the difference between fighting and disagreeing.

Raised voices: As soon as one person is yelling at the other, raises his or her voice so that it’s well above speaking tones, and the other does the same in return, that’s fighting. One man I know used to so frequently yell at his wife, “You’re wrong and you’re stupid” that his children would imitate him to each other in play. “You’re wrong.” “But I’m not stupid!”

When one person yells, the other doesn’t have to respond the same way. The other can respond in normal tones “Let’s discuss this like adults,” or “We’ll talk once you calm down.” Both people do not have to engage in a yelling match.

Insults: The “you’re stupid” part of scenario above represents fighting words, whether yelled or spoken softly. There is never any need to use insults with the one you love.

Dragging in everything but the kitchen sink: Many disagreements escalate when someone drags in everything but the kitchen sink. An argument might go like this: “I hate when you do that. It’s childish.” The partner might respond with “Childish? It’s just like your mother does that.” “My mother? In your family everyone......”

If there is a disagreement, stick to the particulars of the issue. No broadening the argument into a fight.

Listen to each other: Don’t talk over one another. Listen to the other person and what she or he is saying. Sometimes it’s necessary to read between the lines, if this is someone you know well, but, at the very least, listen.

Nothing physical ever: I don’t think it needs to be said, but two adults who are in a relationship, who supposedly love one another, should never have an argument descend to a physical fight. A personal rule needs to be “No hands on in anger. Ever.”

If the problem is really “we fight all the time”, learn to bring those fights down to adult disagreements with a compromise solution. If you do disagree frequently, you might want to look at the advisability of being in this relationship. Those who are happy together usually do not have frequent fights or frequent disagreements.