One of the realities that people face when they have been diagnosed with a personality disorder is whether to tell someone new that they are dating about the diagnosis. And, if the decision is to share your diagnosis, when and how should it be discussed?
Unfortunately, there is still stigma attached to having a personality disorder diagnosis and most people are unlikely to understand what your diagnosis might actually mean for the relationship. And, if by any chance they have actually read anything about your diagnosis, they will probably only have come across descriptions of the worst-case scenarios.
If you are in the early stages of dating and have not yet decided on who you would like as a partner, there is no point in sharing your diagnosis with anyone and everyone. The early stages of dating are supposed to be fun, not impromptu therapy sessions.
However, if you have been dating someone that you could be serious about, I think it is only fair to share your diagnosis and the relationship challenges that go with it before things get more serious.
What should you do?
I usually suggest to my clients with personality disorders that before they decide whether or how to share their diagnosis, they should do some work on their own. My basic idea is that if you share your diagnosis, you should be prepared to answer questions and explain how having this diagnosis might affect your ability to be a good partner in the relationship.
So, before we go any further, you might want to ask yourself the following questions:
Be honest. Think about your relationship history and how your personality disorder affects your behavior and if it caused problems in your prior relationships.
You might want to make a list of your issues as a way to prepare for a future discussion with your new romantic partner. The issues on your list will differ with the type of personality disorder that you are struggling to overcome.
Here are some sample lists you can use to start you thinking:
Clara’s Borderline PD Relationship List
Bob’s Narcissistic PD Relationship List
John’s Schizoid PD Relationship List
How does your level of functioning affect how much you disclose and when?
The higher your level of functioning, the more normal you will appear. Your problems and diagnosis will not be obvious to anyone who does not know you really well. In this situation, you might want to wait until one of your issues surfaces and you behave badly. As soon as you realize what you did wrong, apologize, and say something to explain. Here is a sample to start you off thinking.
I am so sorry that I handled our disagreement so badly. I have been struggling with (name of your personality disorder). This means that sometimes I (fill in the blank with one of your issues from your list). I will do my best to never respond like that again. I am working hard to get better. I am happy to answer any questions you may have about what my diagnosis means for our relationship.
The exception might be if you have a history of abusing your lovers and want to telegraph in advance that you are struggling hard to behave better now—but occasionally failing. Then, you might want to explain why normal, empathic, and unselfish behavior is so difficult for you and how you plan to solve that.
This is an important question for you to think about. The success of your relationship depends on your answer. I have divided the answers into two categories: manipulations and sincere attempts to connect.
Manipulations:
Sincere Attempts to Connect:
If you have a personality disorder, you are likely to have some issues that make it difficult for you to form an intimate, happy, stable relationship. I suggest that you sit down and make a list of which of your issues and behaviors might negatively impact your relationship. Then, when the time seems right, share your diagnosis and be prepared to explain what it means and how it may interfere with your ability to be a good mate. It is not enough to be aware of your issues. You will also need to have a plan on how to overcome them.
Should You Share Your Personality Disorder Diagnosis?
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03.12.2023
One of the realities that people face when they have been diagnosed with a personality disorder is whether to tell someone new that they are dating about the diagnosis. And, if the decision is to share your diagnosis, when and how should it be discussed?
Unfortunately, there is still stigma attached to having a personality disorder diagnosis and most people are unlikely to understand what your diagnosis might actually mean for the relationship. And, if by any chance they have actually read anything about your diagnosis, they will probably only have come across descriptions of the worst-case scenarios.
If you are in the early stages of dating and have not yet decided on who you would like as a partner, there is no point in sharing your diagnosis with anyone and everyone. The early stages of dating are supposed to be fun, not impromptu therapy sessions.
However, if you have been dating someone that you could be serious about, I think it is only fair to share your diagnosis and the relationship........
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