When Nora Ephron’s son, Jacob Bernstein, wrote about her passing in The New York Times, he said,
“The thing is, you can’t really turn a fatal illness into a joke. It is almost the only disclosure that turns you into the victim rather than the hero of your story.”
He goes on to say that for his mom, tragedy was a pit of clichés that filled her books. While I normally try to take a light approach to topics I cover here in (R)Aging with Grace, this is one where it feels disingenuous to go there, as I am now in my 70s. My third trimester of life has so far been without incident, but all those routine tests and doctor appointments have me breathing a sigh of relief each time I get a “full speed ahead.”
We can look at aging in two ways: 1. Aging sucks, 2. Aging is a privilege. A paradox of living is that striving to age healthfully can lead to increased longevity, meaning you'll have more experiences with death the older you get. As we age, so do the people around us. This is just as much a part of the “aging is a privilege” perspective as any of the rest of it.
Living longer has both joys and consequences. We will lose friends and loved ones to accidents, illnesses, and, as we reach our later years, old age—though we desperately want to know the “whys” of old age losses, seeking answers on how to avoid them.
In Stephen King’s fantasy The Green Mile, the unjustly executed main character passes some of his miraculous life-extending gifts onto a death row guard, forever changing the rest of the guard's life. Its bittersweet conclusion leaves burning questions as well as heavy food for thought. The guard now possesses a form of near immortality—something he sees as punishment for not being able to stop the prisoner’s execution even though he knew him to be innocent. And he goes on to outlive all the people he loves.
While death is a natural part of life and an unavoidable consequence of aging, it doesn't mean you won't be deeply affected by it. "There but for the grace of God go I" is often a saying on the tops of our minds as we join other mourners. But it is the very fact that we are there with others that defines our affirmation that life is indeed precious. While you may not be able to predict how grief will affect you, having a support system in place and the skills necessary to care for your mental health will offer a foundation from which to continue this amazing thing called life.
Our unique personalities and experiences often influence how we think about death, but other factors enter into our approach to it. The culture in which we were raised can shape our beliefs and perceptions of death. How? Because the way the people around us perceive and react to grief affects our feelings as well.
Why is it that we feel differently about the loss of a person we know depending on how they left us? A sudden fatal car accident, a long-drawn-out illness, or the fact that they decided to end their own suffering—any of these conjure up feelings and opinions in us that are hard to shake—most of which were passed on to us by our parents. “She lived a long time.” “What a tragedy to see a life end that early.” “It’s too bad he didn’t take better care of himself.” “At least she is no longer in pain.” No matter what words we use to justify, judge, or comfort ourselves, the fact remains that that person is no longer around. Big. Period. The key is to simply accept and deal with the emotions you're having instead of analyzing the timing or the circumstances that led to it. In that way, you can begin to celebrate that person's time here on Earth in the spirit of appreciation.
Some of us have cared for loved ones, watching the physical part of the process happen before our eyes. We may have gently washed a loved one’s face, moved them around to change their bedding, and noticed the many physical changes that took place. The thing is, fear (of the unknown) is simply a normal human reaction for both the caregiver and the one ailing.
You can think you're doing well with the losses happening around you, but don't be surprised that you can phase in and out of the feelings you experience both now and in the future.
Some say they may be “at peace” with a particular loss. But even getting there doesn’t necessarily spell relief once it’s reached. The fact is, we won't all experience death and dying in the same way. Our unique experiences may even change as we age and are confronted with death more often.
So, the best we can say about it is that the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of dying that are distressing and confusing are patently normal. The thing to remember is that we are not alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out to someone you know and trust to “vent” awhile over the loss of someone you knew, whether it’s a long-distance loss or one you witnessed personally. Our friends and family often don’t know how to act around us even though they want to help.
My own father—usually the maker of joke sessions in any setting in which he was permitted to perform—was able to give my brothers and me a memory my oldest sibling repeated during Pop’s eulogy. Though we would never dream of placing the little punch line on his headstone, our dad said, “I told you I was sick.”
Perhaps that’s the way we all need to look at this phenomenon of the frequency of funerals we must attend as we age. Life is a precious gift, and whether your spiritual beliefs help you cope with them or not, be sure to find something that works for you.
Aging Often Means Losing Those Around Us
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26.03.2024
When Nora Ephron’s son, Jacob Bernstein, wrote about her passing in The New York Times, he said,
“The thing is, you can’t really turn a fatal illness into a joke. It is almost the only disclosure that turns you into the victim rather than the hero of your story.”
He goes on to say that for his mom, tragedy was a pit of clichés that filled her books. While I normally try to take a light approach to topics I cover here in (R)Aging with Grace, this is one where it feels disingenuous to go there, as I am now in my 70s. My third trimester of life has so far been without incident, but all those routine tests and doctor appointments have me breathing a sigh of relief each time I get a “full speed ahead.”
We can look at aging in two ways: 1. Aging sucks, 2. Aging is a privilege. A paradox of living is that striving to age healthfully can lead to increased longevity, meaning you'll have more experiences with death the older you get. As we age, so do the people around us. This is just as much a part of the “aging is a privilege” perspective as any of the rest of it.
Living longer has both joys and consequences. We will lose friends and loved ones to accidents, illnesses, and, as we reach our later years, old age—though we desperately want to know the “whys” of old age losses, seeking answers on how to avoid them.
In Stephen King’s fantasy The Green........
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